So, Helen tagged me to do this, and since I need something to distract me from my doldrums, here goes . . .

(let me say beforehand FORGIVE ME since it's going to be a work-related book)

1. Grab the book closest to you.
2. Open to page 123 and go down to the fifth sentence.
3. Post the text of next 3 sentences on your blog.
4. Name the book and the author.
5. Tag three people.


"I remember seeing a sign in someone's cubicle that said, 'Why is it that no one notices what I do around here, until I stop doing it?' Let's start noticing! #63 Ambassadors, Advocates, and Apostles"

Get Weird! 101 Innovative Ways to Make Your Company a Great Place to Work by John Putzier

Tagging JC, BB and ADP

Please bear with me . . .

. . .but I have a lot to say today and can't type fast enough to get it all out. I am so miserable that I think I'm having a meltdown. I have been extremely late to work repeatedly, and just don't care. I honestly love my job at BB&B because I have no time to think, I just work. I don't want to think. I hate my life right now. I hate that I can't afford my apartment because I love it, or that I cry all the time or that I work until 1am because of the holiday season and then can't sleep when I get home and can't wake up, which starts the awful cycle again of being late. I hate that I can't seem to get my life together - I'm too old to be in this place, I should be more settled. I hate that no one understands me, they only judge everything I do and blame me for stuff and try to make me feel crappier, not try to help. I hate that I am the strong one for my mom because truthfully, I can't always be strong for her. I hate that Curtis called me on Sunday and left me this stupid message about how he's dysfunctional and it would never work with us and yet he still loves me and wanted to tell me that. Well, duh, on the part of him being dysfunctional, but does he even know what loving me entails? I don't think I ask much, but honestly, I do ask that someone respect me and be okay with all my demons. I have never found anyone, not boyfriend or even friend-wise, who can deal with that. I have to be perfect. I seem to be held to such standards - maybe that is why I can take this job right now because they don't care when I come in or ever say anything to me because I think they know I'm on the edge. I care so much about so much - my brain is never quiet, I'm always thinking of ways to make other people happy and yet have no clue how to make myself happy. And yet when I try to make others happy I seem to get hurt because it doesn't seem good enough. I was able to talk to my therapist about this stuff, but somehow didn't feel it was enough because I was getting more stressed about going, about paying for it or making the time then I was getting any benefits from it. I love Christmas, but I'm feeling so sad about it this year because I don't have a lot to spend on gifts and I'm SO alone. I have never felt this alone in my life, and don't know why it's now hitting me. Granted, I've been going back and forth with Curtis for the past six years, and in the last month really decided it's over and done, so maybe that is affecting me more than I'd like to admit. Or maybe it's the fact I feel so inadequate because every guy I know tells me how great a friend I am but doesn't seem to want more. I really feel my age this year because 35 has such a stigma to it - I feel much more desperate than I am accustomed to feeling. I can't get anyone to budge at work on stuff because it's not important to them and they'd rather concentrate on minutiae. I may not give them 100% of my time, but I do try to get things done that actually matter, like performance reviews and the like. It seems the moments that mean so much to me, like spending time this past weekend with B's mom decorating B's Christmas tree or baking cookies with my mom, are fleeting and only end up as a blip on the screen of my life. I know I don't have a lot of time for anything anymore, and I do realize that, but what did I do before with my free time? Nothing. I hate myself so much - I feel fat, I feel out of shape and out of sorts, I feel worthless, I feel sad. And I'm not looking to someone to fix it, I guess I'd just like someone to address it with me and help. But I can't turn to anyone because everyone else is tied up, too. I had one night off this week and all I did was run from store to store trying to make one person happy and I ran out of time and was tired and hungry and ended up crashing at my mom's because I was having a panic attack. Oh, and listened to my one friend talk for two hours about how she is over-analyzing a boy liking her. I lack that confidence where I can walk into a room and claim someone I like and then go after it, as she did. But yet, it's not enough for her that he likes her and they get along so well. Why are we never happy with what we have?

Why can't I be happy that I have friends who do admire me and want to hang out with me? Why can't I be happy that my family, as crazy as they are, love me as much as they can? Why can't I accept other people's decisions and just have faith it will work out in the end? Why can't I wake up in the morning - am I that depressed?

Okay, I'll stop now because I can't feel sorry for myself anymore. I'm sorry for anyone having to read this - I just have to get the words out before I explode.

Anxiety Again

I am feeling very anxious this week. B and I have not been getting along, and I am so unhappy about his situation with this girl he's dating. It seems every time he is planning to go there or she's planning to come here they are on the verge of breaking up right beforehand. I think she likes the drama, maybe likes to know he cares about her enough to continue to 'fight' for her, but I think it's ridiculous. Of course, I can't say anything to him because he'll just get mad at me. She basically hates me and I feel so detached from him and I just want him to be happy. I know I was in a bad relationship with C for so long, and I continued to let him hurt me even until recently, but I know what being continually beaten down can do to a person. I feel very alone right now, too - Christmas is coming and I'm alone, and though I don't need someone to make me feel complete, it would be nice to have someone in my life. I am not sure what I am doing wrong, or more importantly, what I am not doing right, to improve this part of my life. I think I have a lot to offer, just can't seem to figure out what to do to make someone else see it. I just don't know . . . but I don't want this anxious feeling anymore. I hate it. I cry at the drop of a hat and I can't sleep well at all. Why am a I such a tortured soul, I wonder?

Thanksgiving Week

So, the week of Thanksgiving was a bit crazy. The prior Sunday I spent time with my brother and sister-in-law, watching the Steelers play and enjoying my mama's famous chicken and dumplings (well, I just ate the dumplings since I don't eat meat). I worked Monday and Tuesday at both jobs, then had Wednesday off. That day was spent running around doing some errands and taking B to the airport so he could spend the holiday with his GF. Then I went to mom's to spend five wonderful days with my family. I love my oldest brother, I really do, but he can be an handful. Thank goodness my niece came home to save me. She actually came home Wednesday, which was earlier than she had planned, and didn't tell her parents she was coming SO THEY WOULDN'T CONTINUALLY CALL HER. They are something else. Anyway, when she got in Wednesday, all of us girls went grocery shopping at Trader Joe's. Then we bought some wine and a few other groceries at Giant Eagle, then went home to watch The DaVinci Code. We got up early Thanksgiving morning to cook - I baked pies, mom prepped the turkey, Sissy made stuffing and I made most everything else from veggies to 'cheesy rice.' My middle bro and his brood, including his newly engaged 22-year-old daughter and her fiancee, came to dinner about 5 o'clock and we had a lovely time. It was strange to not have my youngest bro's family there, but they had dinner at their own house this year because my sis-in-law, Honey, has older parents and she wanted to make it easier on them. Then Sissy's brother and his wife came over later and we played cards until after midnight. Friday I went to work at BB&B from noon to six, then came back to mom's to just hang out with her while they went to Sissy's niece's house. Paubie and I watched Memoirs of a Geisha that night, which was very good. Saturday I had to be at work early, then afterwards we hung out with my youngest bro and his wife at mom's then Paubie and I shopped for a bit before going to a wine-tasting party at her cousin's. I left them to go to my friend Shannon's birthday party, then got back to mom's around 4am. Sunday the girls left for Baltimore, and bro and I hung out together the rest of the day, watching football mainly. I spent the night there because he was leaving Monday morning, then I left and picked up B from the airport and went to work. All in all it was a whirlwind week, kind of bittersweet because they aren't coming home for Christmas, but I am very happy I have my family around me when I do.

I Figured It Out

I had an epiphany over the weekend as to why single men are so hard to find. For every girl I know who has a serious boyfriend, there is a single guy who is totally in love with her. I know of three or four instances of this phenomenon, and the guys are very aware of the situation, yet they wait in the wings for their big opportunity, for the boyfriend to fail so they can sweep in and save the girl. Meanwhile, these girls are intelligent, successful, beautiful women who also know that these men are on the sidelines awaiting their chance, and they just eat it up. They tell their admirers that they are devoted to their boyfriends, that they are going to be together forever, yet they complain to the admirers when things are going wrong and they rely on these guys to occupy their time when they need company. I'm not being cynical, just realized over the weekend as I watched it happen firsthand that this is an issue. The epiphany occurred shortly after I was talking to one of the guys who plays the part of admirer and listened to him talk about his love non-stop for thirty minutes, and out of the corner of my eye I watched one of the objects of affection lead her admirer away because she needed a ride home. We single girls don't have a chance in this kind of atmosphere because we have no hopes of being placed upon such pedestals and these men are content with holding out for their true loves. So, what are we to do?

Things I Wonder to Myself. . .

Why does my apartment building have only ONE elevator? Why does a married woman trying to fix you up with a guy monopolize the entire conversation with said guy? Why is this year flying by so quickly? Why does my oldest brother think I have no life when he's in town? Why does traffic always slow me down when I'm in a hurry? Why am I ALWAYS in such a hurry? Why do some people stay in relationships that are so wrong for them and is it just because they don't want to fail or they fear being alone? Why are people so competitive with each other, especially amongst their own friends? Why did my gynecologist feel the need to tell me I have plenty of time to have kids if I want? Why does Chrysler Financial continue to call me for some other person when I've repeatedly told the same woman who keeps calling that I DON'T KNOW ANYONE BY THAT NAME! Why can't my bosses see how they are ruining this company? Why do we as grown-ups still act like such children?

No more counseling

I've decided to give up counseling for awhile due to a few factors: (1) lack of free time, (2) lack of extra funds (our co-pay went up) and (3) because it's been about a year since I started and I am feeling a lot more stable. Yes, I still have panic attacks, but not as frequently. I've actually begun to let go of a lot of crap that bugged me before. I have even decided to not worry if people like me or not - I pretty much put myself out there and if you don't like it, then so be it. I actually stopped talking to a friend because of this, and of course, now he wants to be friends again (lord, how am I to get through to him???). I don't think I'm being a bitch, I think I'm really looking out for myself. I have wonderful friends, who I love dearly, and they pretty much accept me for who I am. I'm not looking to add anyone to the 'fold' who is going to try to change me. Yes, I miss some traits of those past friends, but I feel if they were my true friends they wouldn't have decided to do the things they did. Therefore, I have no time for them, now. I will go to the ends of the earth for those people I love and respect, but I think I really lost respect for some folks and I can't just find it again. I'm looking out for me, while still being there for my dear friends, and it feels good to be this way . . .

Sigh

I really hate my job. I know it's a great project, and will do so much for the region, but I'm so burned out by it. I don't believe in it anymore because management doesn't seem to know what direction to take. They have the tools, the employees, to help, but they won't rely on those assets and instead reward those who don't really have the best interest of the company at heart. And I'm not just crying sour grapes, here, it's just facts. I want to do more, and I feel my hands are tied. And I think I'm treading water professionally because I don't have a title or salary that could get me advanced somewhere else right now. It's just so frustrating to have the ear of the president of a corporation yet he just doesn't hear me - he listens, and agrees, but doesn't HEAR me nor does he implement any change. It's a scary thought to search for another job, but I have to do it. I have to stop saying I'll get out and actually do it. Sigh . . .

Updating . . .

So, the "cast" is off my foot. THANK GOODNESS. I can wear normal shoes, wear brown again since I don't have to color coordinate with the brace and can walk up and down stairs with ease! I can't tell you how happy I am to have that monstrosity off my leg!

I saw the opera "Pagliacci" last Friday night and absolutely loved it. B bought me a ticket because he knew I wouldn't spend the money on myself, and since I had a single ticket I got to sit in the front row! It was so tragic, but I was taken in by all of it. They project the words in English over the stage, but I was too entranced by the music and emotion to even worry that it was in Italian!

I have had a cold this past week, and I've been miserable. I got off work from BB&B last Saturday at 4pm and went home to take a nap prior to a party I was supposed to attend. Well, I went to sleep at 6pm and didn't awaken until after midnight! Then I fell back asleep until 9am Sunday and did absolutely nothing all day except watch the Steelers lose and watch The Breakup and start getting the sniffles. I hate when I get a cold - really slows me down. Of course, I'm sure I'd be LESS susceptible to colds if I rested more.

The article came out with Mikey's picture and yes, the first sentence says he leads from behind. So funny. :-)

My brother is getting two puppies this weekend and I'm going to meet them on Sunday. They are Sir Maximus Arameous (Max) and Lady Lola Marmalade (Lola) - a black lab and yellow lab, respectively. My brother and his wife are throwing a puppy shower for the two new additions!

I'm still working a lot and trying to pay things down. I truly wish I could get through to my bosses that things need to change at my little company, but I'm not sure I'm being heard. I need to come up with a better approach.

Oh, and I really need a date. Just a nice guy to take me out to dinner. That's not asking much, is it?

:-)

Happy Friday the 13th

Instead of worrying about bad luck, I'm gonna make some good luck wishes for fall to all of you . . .

May the weather be mild for every football game you attend.
May the days remain long instead of becoming shorter so you can enjoy a bit of sunlight when you leave work.
May all your Halloween candy be calorie and fat-free (yet still taste yummy).
May you not get sick and tired of Christmas carols before Thanksgiving even arrives.
May you find more humor in life.
May you realize that your friends ARE your family.
May you find the perfect jacket/boots/sweater/'insert favorite cold weather article of clothing' on sale and in your size.
May you enjoy all things pumpkin (my favorites are pie, lattes and martinis).
May you look around the table at Thanksgiving and truly be thankful.
May you take the time to feel wonderment at the vibrant colors of autumn's foliage.
May your favorite trick-or-treater have the best costume.

:-)

Stroke of Bad Luck

So, I'm not a big believer in luck of any kind, but it seems of late that, as my Granny used to say, "someone has a whammy on me!" It started Sunday night. . .

I went into work at BB&B at 10am, thinking I'd go home at 3pm, but since someone called off, I was asked to stay the whole day (10am until 8pm). I was already tired considering I had been out until 4am with my dear friend Mikey. Well, at 8pm, as we were getting ready to leave, it was discovered that one of my co-workers was missing her car from the parking lot. The cops were called, the officer that showed up told her to go get her purse, and as he suspected, both her wallet and car keys were missing. That's creepy. Her purse was upstairs in a locker in our breakroom, and hardly anyone worked that day so I'm not prone to accuse the people there on Sunday of doing anything illegal.

Well, Monday morning I go to get my car key out of my purse so I can go to work. It's not there. Now, I had it the night before to drive home, and would have heard the big ol' thing if I had dropped it in the garage. However, I went down to the garage to check around the car, even looked in the trash bin to see if I had dropped it when I threw away something the night before, and it was nowhere to be found. I checked the main office to see if anyone had turned it in but that search was unsuccessful as well. So, I called my mom because she had my spare, and I had to call my dear brother to drive all the way to mom's and then to my apartment to bring me the extra key (due to the fact MY MOTHER WON'T DRIVE IN PITTSBURGH). So, my Monday started out kinda crappy . . .

Now, today I go to the deli in my apartment building for a cup of coffee and a muffin before work and try to use my debit/check card to no avail. It's declined. There is money in that account, so I call my bank when I get to work and try to find out what's wrong. It seems someone has been trying to fraudently use the numbers off my card, even though I have it with me, and the bank just cancelled it without calling me. So, I had to be proactive to get a new card, which won't come for about a week. Do you know how much I rely on my checkcard???

Not to mention that the car accident I endured about 6 months ago is still haunting me because the other insurance company wants to settle instead of paying me 100 percent. Now, I WAS NOT AT FAULT. I have a police report to show that. But since insurance claims are subjective, I have to either fight it out (which will take time and money, probably) or just take what they are offering. I know my insurance rates won't go up (only because I've been accident-free for so many years) but if I have an accident in the next 3 years that is deemed my fault, then I get a rate increase for BOTH accidents.

Oh, and I still have on this cumbersome leg brace for my broken foot.

What's the ol' adage, "if not for bad luck I'd have no luck at all??"

Just my thoughts . . .

but I wonder when loving someone started equating to hurting all the time. I see so many relationships that bring grief to people I care about and I don't get it. I mean, I know you can't always choose who you love, but you can choose how you deal with it. If you love someone that doesn't really work for you, you have to learn that you can't always fix the other person or make it work. It's not a failure on your part, and even though it makes you sad, it's not the end of the world. I have been in the situation where I thought I could save someone (hell, I still feel that way about Curtis) but I know deep down that IT ISN'T ME. It isn't my fault. I can't fix it. And though it makes me sad, I am not at fault. And yes, every situation is different, and not all things are easy, but c'mon - it shouldn't be THAT hard. It shouldn't be such a burden. A good relationship should be a partnership, a compromise, a commitment. A JOY. I'm so thankful that some of my friends and family are so blessed to have found it - not perfection, but complementary love and joy.

Something Funny

So, I have to write this down because every time I think of it, I giggle to myself. . .

My dear friend Mikey and I were out Friday night and he had to tell me this story because it's pretty funny. Now, Mikey is a wonderful guy, and was just named one of Pittsburgh's "40 Under 40" and he was nominated for this honor by one of his mentors. Let me preface this by noting that people who know Mikey in only a professional setting don't normally realize he's gay. So, imagine his surprise when he finds out the quote from the woman who nominated him, which is to be printed in the magazine along with his picture, will say something to the effect that he "leads from behind." He can't get the quote changed (he tried). I really tried not to laugh, I did, but he now has to call all his friends and warn them of this so they don't all tease him. Bless his little heart . . .

Loving Life

So, I had a good weekend and I realized something . . . I am a fairly happy person. Sure, I'd like to make more money, have less debt, be involved with someone, have more free time and have a dog, but I have learned to accept my life and enjoy it to the fullest. That doesn't mean I'm settling, I'm just not dwelling on the negative things and am, instead, being more influenced by the positive aspects. I find so many people who constantly are disgusted with life and what it throws at them, and am more impressed by those who have the strength to muddle through things and are thankful for what and who they have in their lives. I am so blessed with friends and health and humor and opportunities, and mostly with the ability to wake up each morning and realize who I am and what I have. And it's not like I had an epiphany or anything, but I just really came to the conclusion that I'm a pretty lucky girl. :-)

The Steelers

I enjoy watching the Pittsburgh Steelers, and I got to actually attend a game this past Sunday. I never had so much fun, really, even if we did lose. I tailgated with my friend Brandon and his family & friends beforehand, enjoyed at least the 1st half of the game (things started going downhill during the 2nd half), and then tailgated more afterwards, drowning our sorrows from the loss in some good, cold beer. I'm worried about our young quarterback, "Big Ben", and I feel he's a little afraid to play as he used to do with such gusto. Granted, he's suffered from his motorcycle injury and then appendicitis, so I can understand his fear, but I'd like to see Coach Cowher put Charlie Batch in until Ben seems a little more himself. Not that I'm an expert on football, but I'm glad I'm not like the young woman sitting beside me during the game who had to keep asking her boyfriend what EACH play meant. Oh, and then she made him leave during the last 7 minutes of the game, remarking, "nothing can really happen to help them in the last 7 minutes, right?". And he left. Not me - I was there with the other die-hard fans, waiting until the last few seconds when we really threw it away. That is one thing I truly love about this city, the football fans. There is no other city like it, and there are no other fans like Steeler fans (just go to another city and visit a Steeler bar there). So, Sunday was a very good day, even if we had to lose to the Bengals.

You've Been Tagged

Thanks to Helen, I'll give this a try . . .

1. Which famous person would you most like to learn that you are descended from?
Eleanor Roosevelt - she was a devoted wife and mother and dedicated herself to politics and causes dear to her, yet never lost her grace.

2. Which famous person would you hate to learn that were descended from?
Julius Caesar because I'd hate to have such arrogance running through my veins.

3. If you could be ancestor to any living famous person who would it be & why?
Natalie Portman because she is a role model, she's talented, she's intelligent and she is not afraid to stand her ground.

4. If you could go back in time and meet any known ancestor(s) of yours who would it be?
My step-father's paternal grandmother because she was a single mother and I'd like to know how she was so strong and able to raise so many children on her own and have so much love in her heart.

5. Tag 5 people.
BB
JC
JB
LM
anyone else who might read this!

Updates, Observations, etc.

So, I believe I noted my ankle was sprained about 3 weeks ago as I was dog-sitting. Come to find out, after some x-rays, it seems my 5th metatarsal (sp?) on my right foot is fractured. No wonder the pain wouldn't go away. Now I'm in a brace/boot type contraption that actually is alleving the pain considerably, but it's a hassle, let me tell you. So, I'll be hobbling about for at least 4 more weeks . . .

Work at both jobs is intense right now. The president of my company has decided to have me dedicate half of my time to project control, which I actually love, but it's tiring to spend so much time working on schedules and reading materials. Then, at BB&B, I'm training to be a front-end supervisor and also to be a bridal consultant, and this training entails more reading. Whatever happened to reading for fun?

My birthday was a lot of fun. The Friday before it was spent at a happy hour at Six Penn Kitchen with some of my dear friends who happened to not be going out of town for the Labor Day weekend. After drinks and appetizers there, some of us went to the Southside to hang out at the Carson City Saloon and then later to Bar 11. The Friday after my birthday was spent at dinner with my best friend, B, at this yummy restaurant called Eleven. Every birthday he and I get coupons from the Big Burrito restaurants so we can save $30 on an entree, and we have frequented every one of the restaurants except this one, the newest. It was an amazing experience, and though pricey, one I'd do again because the service and food was divine. And it's always fun to get all gussied up for a delightful dinner. :-)

I am still down in the dumps about not getting to go to Charlottesville and I actually had a panic attack last night, which I attribute to that and lack of sleep and stress from work. I really enjoy being friends with Nirav, though, because he seems to be able to calm me down. I wish the panic attacks didn't get worse the older I get - along with grey hair, I get this, too. :-(

I don't understand why when I offer advice to the people I love that it is seen as me somehow trying to be in control. I tend to be very opinionated and try to help my friends all I can, which seems like I'm butting in, but I do it out of love, really. I am very protective and seem to be able to sense things and just want to keep the people closest to me safe. I know it's hard to hear things you don't want to hear or even think about from someone close to you, but I know from experience that it's always because someone is trying to look out for you and save you from pain.

It's a bit chilly here in Pittsburgh today - I'm so not ready for summer to be over. :-(

I know, I know, I've been MIA!

Sorry for the LONG time since I last wrote. I will try to catch up on some things - my 35th birthday rolling around, celebrations I had, the fact it's been a year since my nephew-in-law had his accident (which led to his death), and other things I find I need to talk about. I've missed writing, and have especially missed the support you all give me.

Another Trip I Have to Miss

When I didn't go to NYC, my best guy friend, B, and I agreed we'd definitely go to Charlottesville, VA together for a DMB concert. In fact, he promised. Then, for my birthday, he surprised me with an extra set of tickets for the first night of concerts, so we could make a whole weekend of it. Keep in mind I'm supposed to be in the Outer Banks this week on vacation, but due to financial constraints and work obligations, I decided not to join my niece and some of her family there. So, C'ville was going to be my 'vacation'. Now, what I am about to say may sound petty, but I'm still upset and am trying not to be. B's girlfriend was not too keen on us going to C'ville together and decided to pitch a fit about the whole thing. And of course, B was in the middle and I took myself out of the whole equation by saying I won't go. Why would I subject myself to going if it's going to upset him and her? But why should I have to even do that? I'm not trying to be a martyr but I also didn't want to feel badly about something I knew I'd enjoy. I really want to go, but don't want to go by myself or try to find someone to go for one night. And I'm not trying to be a 'girl' about it - it wasn't a date weekend or anything like that, just two friends who like the same music going to a new place. But she really was jealous that he was going somewhere she wanted to go and she wasn't getting to go, and she was making it hard for him. Now, I know it's hard to fathom two people of the opposite sex being 'just friends'. But, it's also not fair to punish the friend because you don't like it. I just feel sick about the whole thing. I actually cried last night while at work at BB&B because a DMB song was playing and I haven't seen them in months.

Anyway, my consolation prize for not going is that I get to use B's Steeler ticket that Sunday while he and his GF are in Virginia. And I will have fun, and not pout, and just accept the fact I can't have everything I want.

Newly found, Long lost Friend

So, thanks to MySpace, I reconnected with a friend from high school. Let me tell you, she is such an addition to my life! She writes these epic emails to me that really make me smile, laugh, cry and ponder life. I'm so blessed she stepped back into my life - it's amazing!

We have talked of premonitions and how they affect us. Hers are like mine because they are somewhat vague - another friend from high school, Jamie, has very strong ones where she can pinpoint them a little more. But L and I just have these strong bad feelings. Mine that came true a couple of weeks ago regarding my cousin was tragic and hit another high school friend especially hard. She and I both wonder why someone so young, with a young son, could resort to a selfish act that left her at death's door, alone and afraid. My cousin Mandy allegedly took some drugs (not sure if illegal or not) and then drank a lot, passed out and asphyxiated. Her 12-year-old son found her dead. I just ache inside thinking of how she died and what her son will always have to suffer because of her death. But I am thankful that those high school friends and I have each other as sounding boards and for support - reaching out to someone, even if it's over telephone/cable/T-1 lines, is sometimes all you have to help you choose between a desperate measure and a rational decision.

But back to L - again, I'm not sure what I'd do without her right now. She has become this soulmate, this interjector of wisdom and humor, who touches my life in a profound way. It's always good to find another person who 'gets' you, who can criticize and offer advice and just LISTEN and I hope that I can do the same for her one day. And right now I have to go answer her email so I can send it and then anticipate her reply! :-)

P.S. Regarding the first part of the title, just a newly found friend . . . Nirav has become another bright spot in my life. He calls and we seem to talk for close to an hour about so many things. He talked me down from my most recent panic attack and yet still talks to me! When I inquired why he still talks to me, he said he was honored I could trust him with that side of me, that raw, emotional side, which was the exact opposite of the facade I usually offer the world. He's another one who 'gets' me, and I look forward to being friends with him for a long while.

Quoting Sex & the City

So, I love reruns of Sex & the City. I admit that it's one of my guilty pleasures in life. The show makes me laugh, cry, gasp and nod my head in agreement countless times. And I never tire of the episodes, no matter how many times I see them.

So, I was emailing a friend the other day and we were talking about love, true love. I know in my heart of hearts that Curtis, my last ex, was probably the love of my life. Not because he was some great catch, and not because I started romanticizing our relationship, but because we always seemed to "get" each other even if we were arguing over the fact we weren't really on the same page about stuff. And I'm not sitting idly by, pining away for his inevitable call, but I do wonder what my life would be like today if I had moved to Michigan a few years ago to be with him. I couldn't have helped my oldest niece so much when her husband was dying. I wouldn't be able to care for my mom so much (maybe not a bad thing). I would have probably lost touch with a few of my friends here. I probably wouldn't be the healthier, both mentally and physically, person I am today. But if it weren't for the trials and tribulations I endured with him, I wouldn't have found myself, of that I'm sure.

So to quote Carrie Bradshaw from Sex & the City, ". . . I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous." I'm looking for that - the one who makes me laugh, who gets me, who makes me feel kinda smart and very sexy, who wants to explore new things with me but will also enjoy the tried and true, and most importantly, the one who makes me a better me and likes me just the way I am. And I'm definitely on the road to having that relationship with myself, which is key to everything I want in life.

Unexpected Things

So, I unexpectedly hurt myself this morning - I was walking Piper and turned my foot on the curb, falling on my left knee and elbow, just making a general mess of myself. My foot hurts like CRAZY - big knot on the top of it, and I now have it iced and elevated, hoping to feel better. I can't have a boo-boo foot this week - I work at BB&B every night, and I want to have a cocktail party/happy hour for my birthday!

I went to the doctor today, expecting the worst after having some tests done last week. I have this constant fear of getting cancer, as you well know, and I just haven't felt myself lately. These past week or so has really been bad - I hate going to work, I hate dealing with people, I get no enjoyment from life except to go to BB&B to do a good job there. Well, with Piper, I get enjoyment because we've been doing "puppy runs", which consist of her running all over the house, jumping on the couch and generally making me laugh my head off. So, the doctor ran a few more tests and ruled out everything that I think is possibly wrong. I do have a high level of toxicity in my system, though, and am on medication to clear that up. Maybe I'll feel a little better after that kicks in, I dunno. I still feel anxious, but am very relieved it's not what I thought. I know I'm a worrywart, but I also know myself and can sense when things aren't right. Maybe my mental state is just off the most, not my physical body - I just have to keep trying to figure it out.

And, I had a nice conversation with B today - just casual chitchat, but it was good.

Okay, that's it for now because I want to keep my foot elevated and eat something and walk Piper and finish a load of laundry and watch Entourage and change for work . . .

:-)

Life is a Stage

So, when I was in high school I was a Drama Club geek. My thespian days are far behind me, but I still feel that I am in a play, my life, at times, and that my 'troupe' of friends are playing different roles. For example, I have friends who really work with me, who are not supporting actors but are the ones who share top-billing with me - we thrive off each other and we complement each other so well that we'd not really be able to 'star' alone. Then there are those few friends who are supported solely by me - I stand in the wings, feeding them lines and making sure they look perfect, and when it's all over, they take their bows and go off to celebrate their victories without a thought of me. I then go on stage alone, struggling to remember my own lines because I was so preoccupied with theirs, and I have only myself. Of course, those friends that support me hurry into the wings and help me out, but not before I have been sweating bullets, stressing intensely over the fact everyone is watching me and expecting me to be perfect. They laugh if I fumble with one line, and I hate to have anyone laugh at me unless I'm purposely trying to be funny. So, I worry, I panic, I freak out - then before I have a meltdown on stage, those amazing co-stars come along and save me - they sometimes even come onto stage with me and improvise lines to make it look as if I'm supposed to be having a breakdown!
I'm glad I am still able to be that supportive 'behind the scenes' gal with no ill feelings because I know those stars, even if they don't realize it, need me and will someday, hopefully, turn to the darkened wings and ask me to come out on stage with them and thank me. And even if that never happens, I will always have my own co-stars to share the limelight with at times, which makes all the difference.

Speaking of Work . . .

I honestly despise my job anymore (the full-time one, not the one at BB&B). I work for idiots, and I don't say that lightly. The ones in charge seem to think the people here don't matter and they don't deserve respect, while the ones who don't pull their own weight can be 'saved' and as long as no one's toes are stepped on everything is fine. I know I'm a pushover, but I would hope if I were running a company with so much at stake I'd surround myself with the right people and get rid of those who drag me down. I worry so much about this place because I've seen so many of my friends hurt by the mentality that 'all is well' as long as the boat isn't being rocked. We have shareholders who are OBLIVIOUS - they don't care what happens as long as it doesn't affect them or their corporations. The only way they dealt with a former detrimental employee was by spending almost $100,000 of OUR money to investigate the situation and then didn't even fire the guy - they 'made a mutual decision to part ways.' But the ultimate goal is a GOOD one - it's noble and worth defending. Man, if I could win the lottery I'd buy the whole thing out . . .

If She Gets One More Phone Call . . .

In our small office, the secretary sits about 2 feet from me. My "office" consists of two large cubicle layouts that keep me fairly well hidden from outsiders, but I can hear all the goings-on that occur at the reception desk where the secretary sits. Today, her entire day has consisted of phone calls to her daughter and her husband to discuss her daughter's freshman college courses. THE ENTIRE DAY. She went online, picked out some courses for her daughter, and has proceeded to discuss them with both the daughter and the husband. ALL DAY. Did I mention that? Now, I understand the need to talk to your family. And I'm sure it's stressful for her to know her daughter may not pick out the best courses for herself at Bucknell. But c'mon - this woman coddles her kids more than anyone I've ever met. She has two daughters, both in college, and they attended private boarding school as well when they were in high school. Yet they have not one independent bone in their bodies. They call her all the time and she does EVERYTHING for them. I know it's good she is there for them because trust me, after doing everything on my own for so many years, it might have been nice to have someone make one decision for me once in awhile, but this is ridiculous. I am not kidding - she has spent HOURS on the phone with them today. Wait, there is silence . . . let's hope it continues!

(No such luck - she's leaving the girl a message about yet another class she looked up for her - AAARRRGGGHHHH!!!)

Mixed-Up, Frightened, Etc.

First, let me apologize ahead of time if this is such a jumbled post - I'm tired, stressed, and something is going on with my work computer where I keep getting pop-ups I can't get rid of easily. Kinda fitting for today since I am having that feeling of loss of control anyway.

So, I had a mixed-up weekend because of things I had to go through. I have premonitions sometimes (not like Phoebe's on Charmed, where she sees things, but more like this heavy weight on me that won't subside and then I get nightmares) and I don't even realize what they are until AFTER the bad thing happens. So, I had a panic attack Friday night at a very inappropriate time because I was out with B and his friends. I admit I have a hard time with social settings at times just because I'm not very sure of myself at times. I had been feeling stressed for the past few days anyway, and I guess I couldn't postpone the panic attack any longer. So, I just wanted to be left alone, but it didn't work out that way and I said things I shouldn't have said (when I'm in the middle of one I am so out of it and every little thing becomes HUGE in my mind). But, I suffer greatly after them - I can't sleep, I'm wired, I can't concentrate, I am TIRED for days, I get very thirsty and then I either get sick to my stomach or I can't eat. Lots of fun. Anyway, it was hard, and I knew there would be repercussions later.

Well, I went through Saturday and Sunday, worked at BB&B, had dinner w/ my mom, went out with friends Saturday night and went for a long walk with a friend Sunday. So, I was taking the right steps to somehow get through things. Until Sunday night. I tried talking to B, and found out he was mad at me because I embarrassed him Friday night. So, not only was it embarrassing for ME - in the middle of an attack all the LITTLE things that bug me become HUGE, and he had to be the one to suffer the blunt of it - but somehow I wronged him. So, I'm sure he won't talk to me for days, now, and I honestly hate that.

So, anyway, back to the premonition . . . two things. I find out today that a cousin of mine who I grew up with in Georgia died suddenly on Friday (probably not too much time before I had the panic attack). She and I were pretty close as kids and she is the same age as me. And it's hurting me because I feel something is wrong with me physically. I had a cancer scare when I was in my mid-20's and I'm feeling like I did then and having some symptoms, and I'm very frightened. I have always feared I'd die young like my dad did, and though I don't live in a bubble to protect myself, I do worry a lot about it. I stayed home in bed this morning because I spent all night crying, sick to my stomach and more scared than I have been in awhile. It also doesn't help I'm having nightmares, and my mother is, too, about me and people in my life. Yes, I'm taking the right steps - making an appointment with my doctor, trying to rest - but I can't overcome the fear of it all.

I hide things so well in my life - I don't like people to know all my weaknesses and shortcomings. But I have learned that the people who really love you can help you work through your demons, even if they don't understand them. I have always taken care of everyone else in my life - since I was 7 I've been this way - and my therapist tries to get me to learn to take care of myself and let others help me. And I am learning to let people in more, even if I'm afraid I'll become this weak little girl who's not taken seriously. But I know that's not true - I am strong and I am honestly made stronger by the bonds I make with the people who truly love me. I am so not perfect, and I often tire of the expectations of trying to be. I want to be accepted for my many shortcomings, but worry that people won't be able to do that. One of my biggest fears is that I will do something that people won't be able to forgive me for doing, and I really want to know the ones I love will love me NO MATTER WHAT. YES, I get crazy at times and freak out about really dumb things. YES, I have TONS of insecurities. YES, I'm weak and afraid. But above it all, I'm an amazing person with so much to give, I'm loyal, I'm strong, and I'm independent. And when I do need to lean on someone, I'm so thankful that the people who know me best are there.

I know I can get through anything - with prayer, love, compassion, and laughter.

Better Today

So, I know I ranted and rambled SO MUCH yesterday - I'm much better today (see, I told you BB&B is a good distraction for me). I am such a lucky and blessed person to have people in my life who love me so much - even on the days when I'm going off the deep end. It's hard for me to be selfish and ask for help, so it's wonderful to just get that unsolicited and sincere encouragement I need. Amazing what a difference a few kind words can make . . . thanks!

MySpace, Anxiety, A Year in Retrospective

Okay, I've succumbed to the peer pressure to get a MySpace page. I love it. I've reconnected with a lot of girls from high school, which is pretty cool, and I'm getting a lot of info on the bands I like. I know, I'm a dork. But, it is something else that takes my mind off tedious things and I like catching up with old friends. Trust me, I'm not scamming for hook-ups or anything . . .

I know I'm writing a LOT today, but I'm really trying to work through my anxiety. I can't afford to have a panic attack today - have to go to work tonight! You might think I worry too much, but I can't help it. I know when things are going to happen to me - for instance, I have a sinking suspicion my ex is gonna call me soon, and I'm not sure I can ignore the call again. I get this weight on my chest and I feel I can't breathe - what with my tire, then excessive worrying about stuff and I know I have to deal with things as they come, but I tend to build up things to worry about. I just have to remember to breathe . . .

My birthday last year was wonderful, and I'm trying to think how I can have a great one this year, too (especially since it's such a monumental age). But since my last birthday a lot of stuff has happened: my nephew-in-law was in a horrible freak accident and later died from it, I traveled back and forth to Baltimore to try to help out my niece, my former best girl friend decided to take a 'break' from me and has never decided to contact me again, I decided to give up trying to sell Mary Kay, I went to California for a wonderful vacation, I went to Las Vegas for an amazing time, I got deeper into debt and decided to get out of it once and for all, I started counseling, my best guy friend's dad died, I avoided a bad situation while walking alone after an event one night, I was in a car accident and totaled my car, I have had to see my chiropractor for back injuries due to the accident, my ex decided we'd never speak again (yet he's called me since then), I reconnected with some old friends, I started a part-time job, I gained and lost the same board seat for a non-profit, I've lost 17 pounds (after probably gaining 10), and I've decided to accept things as they are and work with what I can.

Recap of Last Weekend

Well, I got my first paycheck from BB&B - woo hoo! Wow, did it make a difference - I was able to catch up on a lot of things, pay ahead on some things, and have money left for groceries and a splurge on an outfit! (A CHEAP outfit - $23 for a tank, a shirt and skirt). I worked Friday night then went to B's to eat dinner (I had leftovers from lunch at his house). I ended up watching him play video games for a long while, basically because I was full, comfy, and tired. Then Saturday B and I went to our company picnic, which could have been a fiasco (view former post on that person that drives me crazy), but it was okay. The two bosses didn't show up until late, the wives behaved in a lovely manner, and it was a beautiful day to be outside. Plus, the food was delicious and the beer was cold. :-) Afterwards, I went to JB's with the intention of going the the Shadyside Arts Festival, but instead we just hung out on her porch with her dog and some wine. It was a perfect evening. Sunday I worked at BB&B in the morning (even though I was SO tired from the night before) and then B and his mom met me at the Waterfront for a little shopping (Target and Giant Eagle). We then went to his house to work on some things - making pasta sauce and cleaning up antique furniture he acquired from his great-grandmother's house. The furniture is beautiful - amazing what a little elbow grease and lemon oil will do. :-)

I am reflecting on how well B and I get along - he is definitely one of those people I consider a dear, close friend. We have our ups and downs, and we usually don't spend that much time together on the weekends, but it was nice. It's nice to know that through everything we've endured, we somehow had this wonderful friendship survive. He's truly like my family, and I'm very happy we've remained so close. I'm also proud of him for doing so well personally - I'm hoping his professional life improves in the next few weeks, too!

Feeling Pretty

Do you have friends or people in your life that just make you feel amazing? Like you're the most beautiful, smart, kind and loving person around? I have a few friends like that, and I am not sure they know how much it means to me. My one girlfriend, JB, always opens her IM's with "Hi, sexy!" or "Hi, sweetie!", etc. and they just make my day. My friend, M, does the same thing - it's like he's waiting for me to be online so he can start my day out right. My new friend from Chicago, Nirav, answers the phone with "What's up, Gorgeous?" whenever I call. That just makes me smile, and I am SO appreciative. I do try to look nice, and I'm really trying with my weight loss, so when someone says something positive to me, it just makes my entire day. Is that silly? I've never felt very pretty, especially growing up, because I was always teased about something. My high school boyfriend made a point to tell me how fat I was ALL the time (even though I wish I was that skinny, now!) and since he cheated on me numerous times, I thought I wasn't pretty enough for him. My friend, JC, writes about faux dates on her blog, and how exciting it is to get gussied up for a lunch 'date' with someone who's not a real date, but someone who makes you feel kinda special. That's important, I think, to do - to find ways to either remind yourself that you're worth a lot or to surround yourself with people who can assist with that. I try to do it for other people - I hope I do a pretty good job, anyway. I don't think you can shower someone with too much love or attention - some of us just really starve for it, you know?

All-Around Bad Day

So, do you ever have those days you just know are going to go badly? Well, I'm having it today. I woke up late - like after 8am - because I fell asleep with all my clothes on, the lights on, and the groceries not put away (got a phone call, sat on couch, hung up, and fell asleep) so I didn't set my alarm. Great start. Then, instead of being able to just jump in the shower and leave, I knew I had to wash my hair and shave my legs because I had planned to wear my favorite suit because I thought today might not go well. Just a feeling - someone I know is coming from out of town and the last time she was here, my best friend and I fought for a week afterwards, and I'm anxious. So, I wanted to feel confident today.

Anyway, I put on my favorite suit and it's no longer kinda sexy but kinda frumpy because it's too big. The skirt, which used to be tighter, is now more of an a-line skirt, and the jacket is so big that I look like a kid. Good thing I have on my favorite sexy undies - at least THAT makes me feel good about myself. But, I wear the suit anyway (running late, don't want to iron something else, etc.). Then, on my way to work, my TIRE BLOWS OFF THE CAR. No kidding - sidewall ripped apart. Thank goodness I was slowing down because I heard a strange noise. So, I had to wait for AAA to show up and change the tire and worry about what to do about it. But the guys at work are being helpful - telling me to take pictures and where to take it and not to let them keep the tire.

I should have stayed home today, but of course I would have felt guilty about that. I'm just in a jumpy mood - what with the person coming from out of town and then my former best friend maybe coming into town and I know she won't call me - all that is making ne nervous and edgy. Thank goodness I have BB&B to keep my mind off things for a few days - I need the distraction!

Half-Way There

So, I'm half-way to my weight loss goal - 17 lbs. lost. And though I'm not where I want to be yet, I'm excited and proud that I have come this far. I had planned to be further along by now, especially since my 35th birthday is fast-approaching, but I am learning to be patient with this struggle. I bought a skirt this week (I know, shouldn't spend money, but IT WAS ON SALE AT H&M) and it was a size 8 - two to three sizes down from what I was wearing. I still feel so fat - hate my thighs and tummy and back, and really hate my love handles - but I put into perspective that I'm thinner than I was just a few months ago. I got serious about this in June, so I've stuck with it for 2 months, which is a big deal for me - I tend to give up on diets because I get bored or lazy. So, keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I attempt to lose the OTHER half of my goal!

Always Running Late

That's me. Not just a few minutes - usually more like 1/2 hour, an hour, or even later. I have no concept of time, I admit it. I'm 35 years old (almost) and I am not dependable when it comes to being on time. I know other people HATE that, too, and it doesn't help me get better. I don't like to make people wait, and I don't do it on purpose, but there has to be some underlying reason why I'm always late. What's weird is that in my immediate family, I'm one of the EARLIEST to get ready. My oldest niece, the widow who lives in Baltimore - I ALWAYS have to wait on her and her mom when we go somewhere. I just don't have any concept of time. But I am going to start timing myself on how long it takes me to get ready, maybe get some more clocks so I can really see what is taking me so long. I don't LOOK like I take forever to get ready - seriously, I don't look that put together. I am going to start timing my 'getting-ready' routine as well and find out where my weaknesses are. I think I just start late, thinking I can hurry, when truth be told, there is no hurrying me. So, I am going to time it all out, make myself a schedule and stick to it. I have to do this because I hurt not only myself, but others around me.

Love, True Love

What is true love? And I don't mean love from God, because I know that is the purest, truest form. But love we have for one another - when is it true? Is it when you can't wait to hear from that person, or when you can't imagine your life w/out him or her in it? Or when you put his or her wants and needs above yours and everyone else's (and not in a detrimental way, of course). And can you have true love if it isn't reciprocated? Is unrequited love true? I know that when I love someone, truly and completely, it consumes me. And I don't just mean romantic love - I feel that way about my friends and family, too. A co-worker and I were discussing this morning how our pasts shape our feelings now for men, and it's difficult to let go of the past. But we also are not the type of women who give in or give up things - we know what we want, just don't know how to get it. So, if we pretend to be something we're not - needy or weak, let's say - then are we really able to be truly in love, and more importantly, truly loved BACK? I sometimes wonder why guys can talk to you about how they can't find a nice girl, a sane girl, a fun girl, etc. when they are looking right at you. Do I set myself up to be the 'eternal friend' to guys I meet because of the way I am? I like who I am - I do think I'm a catch and I'm decent-looking and I'm fun, I just don't think other people see that in me because I'm so nice and friendly and not looking for a hook-up. I have been in love, more times than I'd like to admit, and sometimes it's very one-sided, but it's still been true in my eyes and in my heart. I also hide things well, but it's that fear of being hurt that seems to keep my barriers up, but I don't mind admitting to those I care about when I'm feeling sad or upset. I just wish I knew the magic to it - I seem to be surrounded by people so happy in love, and I'm happy for them, but I'd like to be able to have that again. Or did I ever have it? I look back at the relationships I've had, the guys I've loved (and still love to some degree) and I try to analyze what went wrong. Maybe I'm destined to be alone - it's not a bad thing, just something I may have to accept. I know I have a lot of love to give someone, but it seems lately the ones I want to give it to are not receptive to it, and it's frustrating. I know I'm rambling - maybe I'm just tired. :-) Or maybe the reason these thoughts are swirling in my head is because I'm less than a month away from becoming an old maid at 35. To quote Carrie Bradshaw from Sex & the City, "I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love." Hey, she and Big did eventually wind up together after six years of going back and forth, and she was 38! :-)

See What I Mean?

Remember how I said one of the reasons I think I distrust so much is because I tend to attract ATTACHED men? Well, let me just reiterate that for you.

So, I met this guy, Robert, in November of last year. Michelle, someone I used to hang out with, and I were having drinks at the bar, he started talking to us, everything was cool. He was out with his brother, who liked Michelle, and she wouldn't have anything to do with him because he's a "player." Robert, on the other hand, made sure to let us know he was NOT a "player." So, Robert got both our numbers (Michelle had invited him to a party we were having) and he then proceeded to call and/or text message me over the next few days. I was out one night listening to my friend's band, and he met me for a drink - perfectly innocent, he walked to my car, I thought he was a nice guy. Well, he shows up at the party and gives all his attention to Michelle (he said because she was drunk and all over him and he felt bad) and then I pretty much ignore him. He tried to make up with me, but I told him I didn't need that and I had enough friends. So, no more word from him. Until March. I see him when I'm out at a friend's birthday party, and he buys me drinks and pays me lots of attention. I decided to let bygones be bygones and at least talk to him. He then started texting me again, at least once a week. Some were flirty, but mostly they were friendly. The last texts we exchanged were Friday night - he texted "Are you out" and I replied "No."

So imagine my surprise when I get a voicemail message yesterday from a girl named Melissa or Michelle (I can't remember) who says she's Robert's girlfriend of TEN YEARS, they are probably getting married, and she was wondering why her boyfriend was text messaging me. She sounded pleasant enough - apologized for calling and even said she wouldn't blame me for not calling back, she just wanted to know who I was. Well, truthfully, I'm nobody to him - we didn't technically go on a date or anything. So, I'm not calling her back (though part of me wants to tell her what a creep he is). But, see my point????? I DO attract attached men! Why can't I attract a nice UNATTACHED guy?

Do you have one person in your life who drives you insane?

I do. Her name is Diane. She is the person who truly makes me crazy. She IM'ed me on Friday and was all pissed off because I couldn't talk to her (she had also called me). News Flash: I WAS AT WORK. I can't take time to talk to her during the day just because it's convenient for her. I told her to call me Sunday night after I got off work at BB&B - she said she had a shower to attend. Okay, so I'm sorry I can't work with YOUR schedule, I told her, but I have to work. She is mad because I'm working at BB&B instead of selling Mary Kay, as I used to, for her. Well, selling Mary Kay requires me to buy product UP FRONT - I don't have the money to do that anymore. I am doing everything I can to get out of debt and get in a comfortable financial place. I like Mary Kay, will still use it, but can't sell it anymore. But if she were my FRIEND she would understand that. So, the only times she has called me over the last few months was to leave me a voicemail message CONGRATULATING me for getting a new car and then she sent a Mary Kay "Look Book" to me at work and wrote a note on it saying if I needed anything to let her know. Um, I have TONS of Mary Kay product at home and I would have appreciated a phone call from her when I TOTALED my other car, not once I finally got another one. I feel like when my former friend moved to DC, Diane and I lost ground as friends, if we were ever friends, because anytime I would mention that mutual friend she would turn right around and call HER. I didn't need anymore angst or frustration between us, so I avoided Diane for that reason. Then, it became evident she was only interested in my Mary Kay business, so I was honest and said I wouldn't be doing it anymore and said if I needed help, I'd let her know. I didn't - I took care of my customers and had nothing that she needed to do. But yet now SHE is mad - go figure. I feel like I should write a letter to her and just explain what went wrong, (I also feel that way at times about other people that used to be in my life) but I doubt it will get through to her or even be worth my time.

I can't wait to get another job so I can avoid her all together (she is married to one of my co-workers) - I think I'll be drinking A LOT at the company picnic next week just to get through it!

Generally Happy

I am a generally happy person. I know I have my moments of sadness or obsessiveness, but I'm pretty much an all-around happy girl. One of the managers at BB&B complimented me the other night because he said everyone finds me pleasant and easy-going. I really don't see why I should be any other way - I don't like myself when I'm in a 'funk.' Sure, I tend to vent (A LOT) about my crappy job or lack of money or my crazy family, but I like to talk myself out of most of my bad moods because I can't allow myself to feel sorry for myself or ask anyone else to feel that way for me, either. So, what makes me happy? I know there is my list of comforting things, but what really makes me happy? I think it's making other people truly at ease and bringing some joy to someone else. If I can do something that is nurturing or helpful, and even if I'm not thanked or given a second thought for doing it, I feel really good about it. We all like to be appreciated, but I really don't need recognition for doing a lot, and when I DO get recognized, I am just elated for days afterward. I have taken numerous personality tests over the years in classes and through work, and they always show that my personality leads me to be this way. And I don't really want to change it. I know I'm seen as a pushover and someone who is submissive, but I do fight for what I think is right and I won't go against my principles just to make someone happy. But if you ask me to do something, even if it's out of my way, I'll probably do it to make your life easier or to make you smile. That is what makes me happy. Just show me that you do appreciate it every once in awhile. :-)

Why I Distrust So Much

I have always wondered why I distrust so much, men in particular. I think it's because I have always suffered some kind of disappointment, shame or deep hurt due to the relationships I have with men. For instance, right now I am sitting at the computer on a beautiful afternoon, my favorite dog at my feet, and yet I dwell on the fact my oldest brother has not called me in a week, even though he promised to call me last Sunday evening. And it wouldn't really matter much, except I asked him to help me with something (at my mom's request). He always acts like I need so much help with my life (he calls himself my life coach) and yet when I do ask him for help, he doesn't respond. Sure, I could call him, but then I'd feel badly if I'm bothering him. I just hate asking for help because I usually don't get greeted with an abundance of assistance. I'd rather just take care of myself, even if asking for help would be faster and easier for me in the long run.

So maybe I started out this way because my father died when I was just a kid and I saw how dependent my mom was on him and knew I'd never be that way. Or maybe I'm this way because I didn't really know my brothers growing up and they weren't a huge part of my life. Or maybe it's because my step-father was so verbally and mentally abusive. Or because I'm always attracted to men that are just like him. Or it's because I was "inappropriately touched" by male family members when I was young, and then later by my college roommate's brother. Or because I tend to attract men who are already attached and I seem to make the perfect "other woman." Or it's all in my head and I'm just crazy. I just wish I could pinpoint a time or a place or an event that caused this distrust in my heart so I could make it go away. I don't want to be distrustful because I really strive for openness and honesty in every relationship I have. I might need to learn to trust myself more first, trust that I am worth so much. Because I am.

Having TWO Hometowns

My best guy-friend thinks I'm weird because I claim to have TWO hometowns. But I have no other way to explain it - I was born in a little steel town in SW Pennsylvania and lived there 8 years until my mom decided I should be raised a southern gal in a sleepy li'l town in SE Georgia (her hometown). Now, granted, a lot of factors played into the reason for our move. My dad had succumbed to cancer, my brothers were older and had their own lives (and were trying to tell my mom how to live hers) and my mom was depressed and really missed her family. Since my dad's and my brothers' childhoods were in PA, I feel connected to it. People there knew my dad and mom and brothers, I have relatives there, I feel somewhat at home when I am there. Yet I also feel the disconnect because I was raised down south, away from that side of my family, so my mom's and step-dad's family are the ones who know me best. However, when I'm down south, I feel the same disconnect - though I went to school with these people, I shared life experiences with them, they still have always seen me as a "yankee". So, I do have two hometowns - very different, yet very much the same. And I'm who I am because of them both, because of their histories and their effect on my family and their climates and their people. I hope they both have taught me to be tolerant and open-minded and kind and loyal and adaptable and independent, because that is the kind of towns they are, or at least try to be.

Huh? I don't get it

Aren't there things you witness or experience that really make you wonder about stuff? Not life-altering things, just those little oddities that you really don't understand.
-For instance, did you notice those billboards that the Cartoon Network put up at the beginning of the month all over town with just phrases on them, such as "Clowns Hate Tangelos". What was that about? I know they were advertising shows and I guess kids get them, but I really don't want to see a sign saying "I Pooted" every morning on my way to work.
And why do women's thong undies cost so much? I mean, really - there's hardly anything there.
Why do grown-ups act like they are in high school? Intelligent, seemingly well-bred, professional adults spreading rumors and taking sides like high schoolers - what a waste of energy.
-Why do people lie, or make promises they can't keep, only to hurt someone else?
-Why does it cost you MORE to eat healthy?
-Why do married guys choose not to wear a wedding ring? I mean, I know my oldest brother doesn't wear his when he's working, he's an engineer, but he wears it at other times. I've met A LOT of married men, usually in their 40's, who decide to go without a wedding band AT ALL TIMES. They should have to wear some other kind of symbol so innocent single women won't even show an interest.
-Why is it on payday I'm already broke again?
-Why does my boss think I take better notes because I'm a woman?

I'll add more later . . . that's all I can think of right now.

Okay, I thought of some more . . .
- Why do I still have acne at age 34? I mean, doesn't old age come with SOME perks?
- Why do guys think if they pay you attention and buy you a beer that they and their buddies are entitled to some kinda fun at your expense?
- Why do girls who need "rescued" or "saved" get all the guys?

Finding Comfort

So, I should be writing a report for work, but I need to vent ('magine that) because I still feel crappy and I am not liking life. So, I want to remind myself of those things that bring me comfort and make me happy to be alive . . .

• lying on my best guy-friend's couch reading Maxim or Playboy while he plays XBox
• sitting on my mom's back porch in the sun with a newspaper
• making my oldest niece laugh
• being in a bear hug with one of my brothers
• cooking
• IM'ing with my friends - JB and M especially
• spending time with B's dog
• walking
• enjoying a drink with a friend at a local bar
• talking to my dear friend R on the phone
• volunteering my time for charitable causes
• getting an email from friends (I especially enjoy JC's!)
• shopping (yes, I know it's a guilty pleasure, but it still brings me comfort!)
• making the people I care about happy
• feeling sad and then having B make me laugh (he's great at that!)
• curling up on my couch with an old movie and a gossip magazine
• dancing
• doing yard work
• getting unexpected presents
• eating a piece of dark chocolate
• having sex with someone I trust completely
• flirting
• having a delicious meal with good company
• meeting new, fun people

Okay, I'm feeling better. . . wow, that actually worked!

Last Monday Night

I haven't had a chance to write about my experience last Monday night, so here it is. I went to Margarita Mama's in Station Square to see The Roots perform. My friend, Kelly, who is from Philly, really likes them and for a $10 ticket, a lot of her friends decided to join her to see them. I must say, I had not heard of them before, but I really enjoyed the show. Quite an eclectic crowd had gathered, from college kids to some folks (but not many) a few years older than me. But all the opening acts (had to be at least five of them) were awesome, and there was a non-stop beat - we danced for hours! Now, I walked to the event (well, walked to Steel Plaza then took the T), so I was already a little sweaty because it was a very humid day in the 'Burgh. Plus, beers at $5 a bottle weren't something I was drinking a lot of, so I would say I was pretty icky hot. So, some guy from Chicago decides to pick me out of the crowd. Go figure. I'm thinking it's because he's not so tall, and I'm VERY short, and he saw me as an easy target. But, he's a decent dancer and he offered to walk me part the way home, so I wasn't going to argue with that. Plus, it was nice to be noticed, even if it wasn't by the guy of my dreams. So, all in all it was a great evening with friends, music, and beer - how can you argue with that?

Generally Unhappy

So, I'm generally unhappy today. First, I woke up suffering from allergy symptoms (started Saturday) and I didn't sleep all that well as a result. Second, I had to go to my crappy job that I'm HATING these days. And third, I found out I had to give up a board seat I LOVE because it will cause a conflict of interest at my company.
Now, the reason I hate my job is because my sr. vp treats me, and everyone else, as if we are stupid. For instance, I was given a task to do on Thursday that was to be performed on Monday (today), and before I could even blink, my sr. vp had already taken it upon himself to do it. Now, I don't recall our pres. asking HIM to do it, but when he reported to our pres., he didn't stop him or say, "now wait, that's not your task!" I hate being undermined - makes me feel so insufficient and micromanaged, which I don't deserve. I do my job, and I do it well, if someone would give me half the chance to do it.
The board seat is just icing on the cake. I don't get to do much of my JOB at work, so I enjoy this board because I actually get to do the things I love - HR, recruiting, event planning. Now, I'm forced to give it all up for a job that doesn't even support me in my efforts so THEY don't look bad. I was told by my pres. that I gave them two years and that was a good effort and it looks good on my resume. I'm sorry, I don't do board work to pad my resume - I do it because I truly believe in the non-profit's mission. I was on two committees, co-chairing one, and I am the board secretary - tell me how I just walk away from that for the 'good of my company?' I don't get why I have to step down considering I'm not even an officer. My pres. told me it's because I'm a 'key employee' - wow, my pay really doesn't reflect that. Especially since I had to take a second job at Bed, Bath & Beyond because my current pay isn't enough.
And I'm such a happy person, usually, so this is why I'm hating life today. I can't feel happy. I'd love to meet a guy, but even dating vehicles such as match.com come with a fee, and with the 2nd job, I'll have even LESS time to meet people. And I'm not yet at the size I want to be and it's frustrating (even though I lost another pound this week), and even if I was at my goal size, I'd have no money to buy new clothes!
Okay, I will stop whining now. I know I'm lucky to have a job at all, I'm lucky that I got a 2nd job that will work with my schedule and give me a cool discount on things I actually need, I'm lucky that I am getting healthier and stronger with my weight loss, I'm lucky I have great friends and family, I'm lucky to have a car and a place to live, and I'm so lucky I have the intelligence to know I HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER CAREER PATH! :-)

Missing Things

I really miss a lot of things I've lost over the years. And not tangible things (though right now I'm so mad I lost my new fav pair of sunglasses at the Roots concert Monday night), but things that meant a lot to me. Or maybe didn't even mean a lot to me, just affected me. Let me list a few and maybe I'll make sense . . .

I miss gardening in the south - summer really brings all those memories back to me. Going to farmers' markets and seeing the fresh produce just really reminds me of how wonderful it was to be able to go into the backyard and gather fresh fruits and vegetables for dinner. And my favorite relative, my Uncle Grady (who was more like a grandfather-figure to me) was the best person in the world for gardening. He LOVED it. He'd sit with me while I shelled peas or shucked corn or washed the numerous veggies we had - he especially liked to pick the peaches off our peach tree and just take out his pocket knife, peel one, and eat it in the yard. He would always take me to pick blackberries down by his grandmother's homestead - just us and the dogs. And he had the BEST blueberry bushes - I 'put up' countless jars of blueberry jelly because of him! I know I might not have had the best childhood in some ways, but having a great affection for the outdoors and respect of nature is ingrained in me forever because of my life on a little farm in southeastern Georgia.

I miss my ex-boyfriend, C. He is an asshole, don't let me missing him fool you. But, the longer I go without talking to him, the more I can only recall the somewhat good stuff and I just miss it! I want to have someone in my life that can't wait to talk to me, who can't wait to see me. C always made me laugh, and that is so important to me. When things went well, they were pretty good for us. And I adored his kids so much - I miss hearing about their busy lives. I just wish things hadn't ended so badly, where he can't talk to me at all - we tried to be friends, but he said it was selfish of me to hang on to him. Now he won't talk to me at all, though he did call me on his birthday to thank me for an e-card I sent him. I didn't talk to him though - I just can't put myself back in the situation of being hurt. I want him to be happy but I also miss the good stuff. Maybe I'm just really missing the fact he loved me - even though it wasn't a healthy kind of love, it resembled love just the same. I wonder if I'll ever find someone who can just be happy with me the way I am, who will want to be with me no matter what.

I seriously miss my dad. I know I've written about this before, but it just haunts me so much. I wish I knew him more, and I'm so blessed I have my family to somehow remind me of who he was - I can see him in my brothers and in my nieces and nephews.

I miss friends who I've lost touch with or have somehow forgotten over the years. I still think about them, just life and distance have separated us too much. And I especially regret that I let the loss of a recent friend really control my emotions for too long. That loss was probably inevitable, but it hurts just the same.

There's more that I miss, such as the times when I was skinnier, or when I didn't find gray hairs, or when I didn't worry so much about money (of course, that attitude put me in the situation where I now HAVE to worry about it) or when I didn't feel so old or so alone. But I'm trying to make this year, the year I turn (gasp) 35, an amazing year for myself by taking control of what I can and letting go of what I can't.

Less Therapy

So, I saw my therapist last week and she said I had made so much progress she doesn't want to see me for 6 weeks! The reason I started seeing someone was because after my nephew-in-law died, I had trouble coping with life in general. The unfairness, the tragedy, the resurrected feelings of grief from other losses - all of that tied together to practically choke me emotionally. Not to mention someone I considered to be my best friend pretty much told me that she could no longer be my friend (well, she said we needed a break, and I haven't heard from her since, so I'm making an assumption). Yet now my therapist is so proud of me for coming so far from the girl who could only cry for an hour instead of talk through things. Now, I talk about all I'm doing to "fix" myself and she just listens, adding in a little encouragement here and there. She did like my thoughts of taking karate lessons - we both think it will strengthen me mentally and physically, as well as make me feel more powerful and confident. So, I've gone from seeing her every week in the beginning to now seeing her every 6 weeks, in about 6 months' time. It's a great feeling to know I've come this far - I know that I cope with things far better now than I ever did.

Difficult Decisions

So, I recently had to make a difficult decision. Now, to you, it may seem trivial, but to me, it was kinda a big deal. I had planned to go to NYC with friends to see a weekend of concerts in early August. I was going with someone I consider one of my best friends, the girl he's seeing, and another guy-friend of mine from New Orleans. However, the friend from NO can't make it due to financial woes (trust me, I can understand that). And even though I'm upset he can't go, and I can't think of anyone else who'd go to NYC with me on short notice, I'm most upset that it's not working out where I can go. But it's best for everyone, and I realize that. I won't be spending money, my friend can be alone with his love interest and not have to worry about me, and they will definitely have a much more fantastic time. Still, I'm a spoiled brat and I'm trying not to pout about it. I am mixed up about how I feel - I'm saddened that I can't go, I'm a little mad at NO friend for waiting so long to tell me, and I wanted to re-capture the time I had last year when my friend and I went. However, I know that won't be the case this time (how do you re-create your first time in NYC?) , and again, I know it's best for everyone. So, I wish them a wonderful time, and I better get a souvenir T-shirt. :-)

Guilty and Proud Moments

I feel guilty when I forget my multi-vitamin. I feel proud of my one friend for sticking to her diet as a way to gain some control over her life again. I feel guilty because I read celebrity gossip magazines. I feel proud of my nieces and nephews for the wonderful grown-ups they are becoming. I feel guilty every time I am with my mother because I can't seem to do enough or be enough. I feel proud that I've lost 11 pounds. I feel guilty EVERY time I spend money. I feel proud of my good friend for moving on with his life. I feel guilty for wanting more when I'm so blessed as it is. I feel proud that I am independent and happy. I feel guilty because my apartment is a total mess and I'm not in a hurry to clean it. I feel proud (and sometimes amazed) that my oldest niece can even get up in the mornings considering she lost her husband less than a year ago. I feel guilty that if I weren't trying to lose weight I could eat a whole box of cookies. I feel proud that I am not going to go buy a box of cookies and do just that. I feel guilty that I don't exercise enough. I feel proud that I can walk wherever I want without getting tired or feeling afraid. I feel guilty because I don't tell my friends enough that I care about them. I feel proud that I have the friends I do.

Showing my Independence

So, Sunday was a good step for me in the right direction. I had plans to attend a concert with a friend of mine and he didn't feel well and decided not to go. Well, the concert was free, and I had already ordered the tickets, not to mention one of my favorite bands was performing, so I decided to go on my own. Now, this was a huge step for me. I'm not a big fan of crowds, and I am also not much for being all alone in a crowd. Due to my short stature, I tend to be overlooked by people and I have some weird fear of being trampled. Also, I have not been a big fan of walking anywhere alone due to a frightening experience that happened to me a few months ago. Since then, I have regained my confidence enough to walk to PNC Park and back on my own, but making it to Station Square was a new challenge. So, I headed out of my apartment around 7pm and walked to Steel Plaza, caught the T to Station Square and walked on over to the Chevy Amphitheatre. I then seemed to be the only loner in a crowd of 5,000, but I just blended in and found a spot where I could enjoy the opening act Army of Me and then the wonderful sounds of O.A.R. Prior to O.A.R. stepping on stage, I had a yummy soft pretzel and a big ol' glass of iced tea. :-) I also made it back just fine after the concert, leaving at the end of the encore so I could beat the crowds and find my way home, safely and soundly.

The All-Star Game Comes to the 'Burgh

So, you all know the All-Star game is being played this evening in the most beautiful ballpark in the nation. I feel very fortunate to live in this wonderful city of Pittsburgh and to have been able to partake of some of the activities affiliated with the event. And I know some of you naysayers are fussin' about the traffic and all the people, but I'm excited to see the city bustling and am pleased to report that this morning is the only day I've had any traffic delays (which amounted to spending 10 more minutes on the 16th Street Bridge). Saturday I went to FanFest with my 18-year-old nephew - first we walked the entire Convention Center at least twice to take it all in and then we stood in line for Phil Niekro's autograph and also to have our pictures taken in uniform for a baseball card. We also spent some time manning a booth for The ALS Association, more commonly known as "Lou Gehrig's Disease", which allowed us to get into the event for free as well as volunteer our time for a worthwhile charity. Sunday I went to a free concert in Station Square (I'll talk more about that in a later post) and last night I went to FanFest again with a very good friend of mine. I also sat at August Henry's last night for awhile with friends to watch the Homerun Derby - it was very exciting to see our city so well on display on national TV. My nephew actually got to go to the Homerun Derby - what an experience he'll be able to remember for a long time! And I think my favorite aspect of all the frenzy is the fact that kids were being kids and grown-ups were getting the chance to be kids again as well.

Do I Really Know Myself?

To continue the previous thought on what kind of friend I am, I wonder if I
really know myself at all. But really, I think I do. . .

I am loyal I am never on time I'm somewhat of a slob I will read ANYTHING I enjoy taking long walks I wish I could afford to travel more I am always struggling with money (or rather, the lack of it) I have awful-looking fingernails I spread myself too thin I will drop everything for someone if I think it will make him or her happy I am somewhat witty I don't look my age I have great eyes I don't normally like a lot of attention, but I do find I enjoy being the center of attention every once in awhile I am never bored I don't sleep well I have major trust issues I am a great date I do believe in love I don't think I'll ever get married I do hope to have a child one day I'm scared to death of getting cancer I will never grow up I almost never forget a birthday or important date I wonder what other girls have that I don't I DESPISE my current weight I don't enjoy exercising I wish I made more money (just enough to live comfortably) I do my best to express my confidence and hide my insecurities I am impatient I read celebrity gossip magazines I can be by myself and be content with just being I try too hard and don't know when to give up I wish I had a talent, such as being able to sing or dance I worry a lot and I think all the time I love to cook I am very affectionate I think I'm misunderstood a lot I like to matter and be heard I don't like a 'know-it-all' I am something of an optimist I do my best to roll with the punches I cry easily, especially if I get my feelings hurt

I'm sure there are tons of other things I could say about myself, but I'll stop. I realize I don't always do what people want me to do, but I do what I think is best. When I find that what I think is best for me to do isn't always the best thing to be done for someone else, I try to stop. But sometimes I just have to keep doing it because to stop being myself isn't being true to ME. And if people love me they will accept that I am doing the best I can. So I do think I'm a great friend WITHIN MY CAPABILITIES TO BE MYSELF. And what more can you really ask of your friends?

What Kind of Friend Am I?

I always like to think I'm a pretty good friend. I listen well, I try to offer good advice, I am tolerant and patient and kind . . . but lately I question the kind of friend I am. Do I try too hard? Do I want so badly for people to know I'm their friend that I go overboard? I do know I'm a nurturer, a care-giver, a person who wants everyone around me to be happy. I aspire to be the best kind of friend possible, if it's within my power to do so. But certain events have made me feel that I'm better at giving other people what they want instead of getting what I want. Because truthfully I'm not sure what I want at times. I mean, I know I want my friends to love me and care about me. I want them to carve out time for me to listen to what's going on with me. But are my problems really that important? Do they matter? I'm much better at helping other people, truthfully. I feel when I really open up I only end up hurt or hurting someone else. So, it's easier to keep it inside for fear I'll sound crazy or ridiculous. When I want a friend to pay attention to me for just a minute instead of being engrossed in something else, I sound jealous. When I try to let the other person vent and then just sit there and listen, I'm seen as the person who can't trust enough to share my own feelings. I don't really care what people think of me, usually, but when it comes to my friends I don't ever want them to think badly of me. Yet they tend to end up annoyed with me for various reasons. I know we all get upset with those closest to us, but am I really that bad? Is it such a horrible thing that I care SO much? That I want what is best for them and sometimes, just sometimes, I need them to let me be myself?

Family Obligations

I spent most of the afternoon in my hometown with my oldest brother talking to people at least 20 years my senior. Though I am a southern girl, I was born in southwestern Pennsylvania and went to school there until the 3rd grade. However, my three older brothers were raised here and graduated from high school in our small hometown in Beaver County. Today was part of the 4th of July and Centennial Celebration where all the high school classes gathered in the new Lincoln Park Performing Arts Center that was built on the former site of the high school. The facility is beautiful and I'm excited to know that my nephew will be teaching there. And there were SO many people there today, from every class - it was astounding to see the turnout (they actually had to stop giving tours because it was overwhelming the tour guides!). But I can't say it was how I would have preferred to spend my Sunday afternoon. I had planned to have brunch with one of my closest friends and her husband and go to the movies with another friend and THEN go to visit the reunion and cook an early dinner for my family (my oldest sister-in-law and niece were due in from their trip to Cleveland). Instead, I had to cancel plans with my friends and then escort my brother to his reunion. Not that I minded spending the day with him, but really, if I had to be introduced one more time as his "little sister" I thought I was gonna scream. (By the way, he finally realized his 34-year-old sister didn't like that introduction and he stopped). I just know this week will be filled with me traveling back and forth from Pittsburgh to Beaver County for various family functions and holiday events and I know I will be super-tired by the time next weekend rolls around. I shouldn't complain - I am so blessed to have the family that I have, but there are times the obligations just get to me because I can't seem to get them to realize that though I'm single and don't have my own family, I do have my own life and it doesn't always revolve around them. At least it's only two weeks of the year when I'm really this obligated, so I should just stop fussing about it.

Unfairness of Life

When one of my nieces recently graduated from college, the speaker at her baccalaureate discussed "Is God Fair?" in such a way that really made me think. IS HE? He is just, and forgiving, and merciful. But is He fair? And what makes us think He should be fair? Do we do all we can for Him? I know I don't. I expect Him to do a lot for me, but I don't really give a lot of myself to Him at all - I don't even attend regular church services. I live my life mainly for myself, though I do a few charitable things. I try to justify myself because I know I'm a nurturer by nature and I think that makes me feel better about myself. But, I know I'm not doing what is pleasing to God, even if I do put other people first a lot of times. (Especially since a lot of times I'm complaining to myself even when I am trying to be selfless). But it does seem that events in life are overwhelming unfair, most recently to people I know. The loss of loved ones, especially unexpected losses, are especially unfair. And sometimes you just don't seem to get a break, which makes it unbearable. You just don't want to get out of bed in the morning for fear something else bad will happen. And even if you go through your day and nothing bad happens, you can just feel so sad because of all the overwhelming stuff that has already taken place. It's like you're stuck in a place where you don't want to be but you can't seem to find your way out.

Disappointments in Life

To disappoint is to to fail to satisfy the hope, desire, or expectation of; to frustrate or thwart. I am one of those people who gets disappointed pretty easily. I think I set very high expectations and assume other people will react as I would. Say, for instance, someone says they are going to hang out with you and then they don't. That disappoints me because it's not that I'm upset at that person for choosing to do something else, it just makes me feel as if I'm being treated indifferently. And I like to matter - who doesn't? I try to make a point NOT to disappoint other people, though I'm famous for disappointing my mother (she would be happiest if I spent every waking hour with her). But all those little disappointments in my life don't seem to even matter because I couldn't imagine dealing with one of the biggest disappointments for a woman - suffering a miscarriage. I think that would be disappointing on so many levels - you are disappointed in your body for failing you, in God for not allowing it to happen when you did everything right, in friends for not being supportive enough, in your partner because obviously he didn't do something right, in the pregnancy test for showing up positive, in yourself for worrying too much, in fate, in the stars, and in whatever else you can think of that might be at fault! I think a few years ago things might have been easier because you didn't really have an opportunity to know so early that you were pregnant, and some of that anxiety wasn't present. But now women can know within days of conception, practically, that they are expecting and what might have just been classified as a late period before is now known to be a miscarriage. I just wish I had words of wisdom for those women I know who have suffered through this . . .

A blur of a weekend

So, from Wednesday to Sunday I didn't stop to breathe much. Wednesday I went out (see last entry) and then Thursday I went out for another friend's birthday. Thursday was fun - started at Carson City Saloon, then went to Elixir and ended (for me, anyway) at Mario's. My friend turned 39, but she is so gorgeous and fun you'd never guess it! Friday was a long drive with a friend to Hershey, PA to see DMB - and it was the first time I got to hear my favorite song live! Plus, they didn't play those songs they seem to play every concert, so that was nice, too (especially for those folks who have been to TONS of concerts!). So, we got back to Pittsburgh around 4am, and I got to sleep around 5am. Saturday I got up around 11am and headed to Beaver County for my nephew's graduation party, which started at 1pm (I arrived around 2'ish). It was good to see my family, and meet some friends of my brother's. Wasn't much I could eat there, but I then went to my mom's and ate, so it was all good. :-) After leaving there I went to visit a friend who needed a friend, then I went and washed and vacuumed my car and did a little grocery shopping. I didn't get home until about 10pm, so I ate dinner, talked to a friend and watched a Sex and the City rerun. Sunday I got up just in time to get ready and be 10 minutes late to brunch at Zenith in the Southside. We had a 45 minute wait, anyhow, so the three of us sat around and chatted for a bit. Let me just say the food is amazing. I had Spinach Cashew Casserole, which consisted of lentils, brown rice, spinach, cashews, carrots and onions in a ginger sweet soy sauce. My one friend had a Jakarta Wrap, which was a honey wheat tortilla filled with spicy-sweet tofu, spinach, carrots, raisins and sunflower seeds served with a peanut dressing while our male friend had chocolate-chip (vegan) pancakes. The salad bar was astounding - any kind of pasta or bean salad you could imagine, and grape leaves! Everything on the salad bar, including the breads and desserts, were vegan, and they were just incredible. Plus, we sat at a table with other people (the seating arrangements are nestled in with the antiques so you are sitting at an antique dining room table drinking from antique glassware) so we got to meet some new folks as well. After we were finished eating, the host (someone we met last week at the Tiki party) came over and chatted with us for awhile. And can you believe we got all that for $10??? After the yummy brunch, I went to the Waterfront to pick up a birthday gift and then headed to my friend's house for his son's 2nd birthday party. Of course, my friend told me the wrong time so I was about an hour early. :-) But, it was nice hanging out with his parents and just kinda relaxing. After the party I went home and did absolutely nothing except read, watch a movie and go to bed.