Newly found, Long lost Friend

So, thanks to MySpace, I reconnected with a friend from high school. Let me tell you, she is such an addition to my life! She writes these epic emails to me that really make me smile, laugh, cry and ponder life. I'm so blessed she stepped back into my life - it's amazing!

We have talked of premonitions and how they affect us. Hers are like mine because they are somewhat vague - another friend from high school, Jamie, has very strong ones where she can pinpoint them a little more. But L and I just have these strong bad feelings. Mine that came true a couple of weeks ago regarding my cousin was tragic and hit another high school friend especially hard. She and I both wonder why someone so young, with a young son, could resort to a selfish act that left her at death's door, alone and afraid. My cousin Mandy allegedly took some drugs (not sure if illegal or not) and then drank a lot, passed out and asphyxiated. Her 12-year-old son found her dead. I just ache inside thinking of how she died and what her son will always have to suffer because of her death. But I am thankful that those high school friends and I have each other as sounding boards and for support - reaching out to someone, even if it's over telephone/cable/T-1 lines, is sometimes all you have to help you choose between a desperate measure and a rational decision.

But back to L - again, I'm not sure what I'd do without her right now. She has become this soulmate, this interjector of wisdom and humor, who touches my life in a profound way. It's always good to find another person who 'gets' you, who can criticize and offer advice and just LISTEN and I hope that I can do the same for her one day. And right now I have to go answer her email so I can send it and then anticipate her reply! :-)

P.S. Regarding the first part of the title, just a newly found friend . . . Nirav has become another bright spot in my life. He calls and we seem to talk for close to an hour about so many things. He talked me down from my most recent panic attack and yet still talks to me! When I inquired why he still talks to me, he said he was honored I could trust him with that side of me, that raw, emotional side, which was the exact opposite of the facade I usually offer the world. He's another one who 'gets' me, and I look forward to being friends with him for a long while.

Quoting Sex & the City

So, I love reruns of Sex & the City. I admit that it's one of my guilty pleasures in life. The show makes me laugh, cry, gasp and nod my head in agreement countless times. And I never tire of the episodes, no matter how many times I see them.

So, I was emailing a friend the other day and we were talking about love, true love. I know in my heart of hearts that Curtis, my last ex, was probably the love of my life. Not because he was some great catch, and not because I started romanticizing our relationship, but because we always seemed to "get" each other even if we were arguing over the fact we weren't really on the same page about stuff. And I'm not sitting idly by, pining away for his inevitable call, but I do wonder what my life would be like today if I had moved to Michigan a few years ago to be with him. I couldn't have helped my oldest niece so much when her husband was dying. I wouldn't be able to care for my mom so much (maybe not a bad thing). I would have probably lost touch with a few of my friends here. I probably wouldn't be the healthier, both mentally and physically, person I am today. But if it weren't for the trials and tribulations I endured with him, I wouldn't have found myself, of that I'm sure.

So to quote Carrie Bradshaw from Sex & the City, ". . . I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous." I'm looking for that - the one who makes me laugh, who gets me, who makes me feel kinda smart and very sexy, who wants to explore new things with me but will also enjoy the tried and true, and most importantly, the one who makes me a better me and likes me just the way I am. And I'm definitely on the road to having that relationship with myself, which is key to everything I want in life.

Unexpected Things

So, I unexpectedly hurt myself this morning - I was walking Piper and turned my foot on the curb, falling on my left knee and elbow, just making a general mess of myself. My foot hurts like CRAZY - big knot on the top of it, and I now have it iced and elevated, hoping to feel better. I can't have a boo-boo foot this week - I work at BB&B every night, and I want to have a cocktail party/happy hour for my birthday!

I went to the doctor today, expecting the worst after having some tests done last week. I have this constant fear of getting cancer, as you well know, and I just haven't felt myself lately. These past week or so has really been bad - I hate going to work, I hate dealing with people, I get no enjoyment from life except to go to BB&B to do a good job there. Well, with Piper, I get enjoyment because we've been doing "puppy runs", which consist of her running all over the house, jumping on the couch and generally making me laugh my head off. So, the doctor ran a few more tests and ruled out everything that I think is possibly wrong. I do have a high level of toxicity in my system, though, and am on medication to clear that up. Maybe I'll feel a little better after that kicks in, I dunno. I still feel anxious, but am very relieved it's not what I thought. I know I'm a worrywart, but I also know myself and can sense when things aren't right. Maybe my mental state is just off the most, not my physical body - I just have to keep trying to figure it out.

And, I had a nice conversation with B today - just casual chitchat, but it was good.

Okay, that's it for now because I want to keep my foot elevated and eat something and walk Piper and finish a load of laundry and watch Entourage and change for work . . .

:-)

Life is a Stage

So, when I was in high school I was a Drama Club geek. My thespian days are far behind me, but I still feel that I am in a play, my life, at times, and that my 'troupe' of friends are playing different roles. For example, I have friends who really work with me, who are not supporting actors but are the ones who share top-billing with me - we thrive off each other and we complement each other so well that we'd not really be able to 'star' alone. Then there are those few friends who are supported solely by me - I stand in the wings, feeding them lines and making sure they look perfect, and when it's all over, they take their bows and go off to celebrate their victories without a thought of me. I then go on stage alone, struggling to remember my own lines because I was so preoccupied with theirs, and I have only myself. Of course, those friends that support me hurry into the wings and help me out, but not before I have been sweating bullets, stressing intensely over the fact everyone is watching me and expecting me to be perfect. They laugh if I fumble with one line, and I hate to have anyone laugh at me unless I'm purposely trying to be funny. So, I worry, I panic, I freak out - then before I have a meltdown on stage, those amazing co-stars come along and save me - they sometimes even come onto stage with me and improvise lines to make it look as if I'm supposed to be having a breakdown!
I'm glad I am still able to be that supportive 'behind the scenes' gal with no ill feelings because I know those stars, even if they don't realize it, need me and will someday, hopefully, turn to the darkened wings and ask me to come out on stage with them and thank me. And even if that never happens, I will always have my own co-stars to share the limelight with at times, which makes all the difference.

Speaking of Work . . .

I honestly despise my job anymore (the full-time one, not the one at BB&B). I work for idiots, and I don't say that lightly. The ones in charge seem to think the people here don't matter and they don't deserve respect, while the ones who don't pull their own weight can be 'saved' and as long as no one's toes are stepped on everything is fine. I know I'm a pushover, but I would hope if I were running a company with so much at stake I'd surround myself with the right people and get rid of those who drag me down. I worry so much about this place because I've seen so many of my friends hurt by the mentality that 'all is well' as long as the boat isn't being rocked. We have shareholders who are OBLIVIOUS - they don't care what happens as long as it doesn't affect them or their corporations. The only way they dealt with a former detrimental employee was by spending almost $100,000 of OUR money to investigate the situation and then didn't even fire the guy - they 'made a mutual decision to part ways.' But the ultimate goal is a GOOD one - it's noble and worth defending. Man, if I could win the lottery I'd buy the whole thing out . . .

If She Gets One More Phone Call . . .

In our small office, the secretary sits about 2 feet from me. My "office" consists of two large cubicle layouts that keep me fairly well hidden from outsiders, but I can hear all the goings-on that occur at the reception desk where the secretary sits. Today, her entire day has consisted of phone calls to her daughter and her husband to discuss her daughter's freshman college courses. THE ENTIRE DAY. She went online, picked out some courses for her daughter, and has proceeded to discuss them with both the daughter and the husband. ALL DAY. Did I mention that? Now, I understand the need to talk to your family. And I'm sure it's stressful for her to know her daughter may not pick out the best courses for herself at Bucknell. But c'mon - this woman coddles her kids more than anyone I've ever met. She has two daughters, both in college, and they attended private boarding school as well when they were in high school. Yet they have not one independent bone in their bodies. They call her all the time and she does EVERYTHING for them. I know it's good she is there for them because trust me, after doing everything on my own for so many years, it might have been nice to have someone make one decision for me once in awhile, but this is ridiculous. I am not kidding - she has spent HOURS on the phone with them today. Wait, there is silence . . . let's hope it continues!

(No such luck - she's leaving the girl a message about yet another class she looked up for her - AAARRRGGGHHHH!!!)

Mixed-Up, Frightened, Etc.

First, let me apologize ahead of time if this is such a jumbled post - I'm tired, stressed, and something is going on with my work computer where I keep getting pop-ups I can't get rid of easily. Kinda fitting for today since I am having that feeling of loss of control anyway.

So, I had a mixed-up weekend because of things I had to go through. I have premonitions sometimes (not like Phoebe's on Charmed, where she sees things, but more like this heavy weight on me that won't subside and then I get nightmares) and I don't even realize what they are until AFTER the bad thing happens. So, I had a panic attack Friday night at a very inappropriate time because I was out with B and his friends. I admit I have a hard time with social settings at times just because I'm not very sure of myself at times. I had been feeling stressed for the past few days anyway, and I guess I couldn't postpone the panic attack any longer. So, I just wanted to be left alone, but it didn't work out that way and I said things I shouldn't have said (when I'm in the middle of one I am so out of it and every little thing becomes HUGE in my mind). But, I suffer greatly after them - I can't sleep, I'm wired, I can't concentrate, I am TIRED for days, I get very thirsty and then I either get sick to my stomach or I can't eat. Lots of fun. Anyway, it was hard, and I knew there would be repercussions later.

Well, I went through Saturday and Sunday, worked at BB&B, had dinner w/ my mom, went out with friends Saturday night and went for a long walk with a friend Sunday. So, I was taking the right steps to somehow get through things. Until Sunday night. I tried talking to B, and found out he was mad at me because I embarrassed him Friday night. So, not only was it embarrassing for ME - in the middle of an attack all the LITTLE things that bug me become HUGE, and he had to be the one to suffer the blunt of it - but somehow I wronged him. So, I'm sure he won't talk to me for days, now, and I honestly hate that.

So, anyway, back to the premonition . . . two things. I find out today that a cousin of mine who I grew up with in Georgia died suddenly on Friday (probably not too much time before I had the panic attack). She and I were pretty close as kids and she is the same age as me. And it's hurting me because I feel something is wrong with me physically. I had a cancer scare when I was in my mid-20's and I'm feeling like I did then and having some symptoms, and I'm very frightened. I have always feared I'd die young like my dad did, and though I don't live in a bubble to protect myself, I do worry a lot about it. I stayed home in bed this morning because I spent all night crying, sick to my stomach and more scared than I have been in awhile. It also doesn't help I'm having nightmares, and my mother is, too, about me and people in my life. Yes, I'm taking the right steps - making an appointment with my doctor, trying to rest - but I can't overcome the fear of it all.

I hide things so well in my life - I don't like people to know all my weaknesses and shortcomings. But I have learned that the people who really love you can help you work through your demons, even if they don't understand them. I have always taken care of everyone else in my life - since I was 7 I've been this way - and my therapist tries to get me to learn to take care of myself and let others help me. And I am learning to let people in more, even if I'm afraid I'll become this weak little girl who's not taken seriously. But I know that's not true - I am strong and I am honestly made stronger by the bonds I make with the people who truly love me. I am so not perfect, and I often tire of the expectations of trying to be. I want to be accepted for my many shortcomings, but worry that people won't be able to do that. One of my biggest fears is that I will do something that people won't be able to forgive me for doing, and I really want to know the ones I love will love me NO MATTER WHAT. YES, I get crazy at times and freak out about really dumb things. YES, I have TONS of insecurities. YES, I'm weak and afraid. But above it all, I'm an amazing person with so much to give, I'm loyal, I'm strong, and I'm independent. And when I do need to lean on someone, I'm so thankful that the people who know me best are there.

I know I can get through anything - with prayer, love, compassion, and laughter.

Better Today

So, I know I ranted and rambled SO MUCH yesterday - I'm much better today (see, I told you BB&B is a good distraction for me). I am such a lucky and blessed person to have people in my life who love me so much - even on the days when I'm going off the deep end. It's hard for me to be selfish and ask for help, so it's wonderful to just get that unsolicited and sincere encouragement I need. Amazing what a difference a few kind words can make . . . thanks!

MySpace, Anxiety, A Year in Retrospective

Okay, I've succumbed to the peer pressure to get a MySpace page. I love it. I've reconnected with a lot of girls from high school, which is pretty cool, and I'm getting a lot of info on the bands I like. I know, I'm a dork. But, it is something else that takes my mind off tedious things and I like catching up with old friends. Trust me, I'm not scamming for hook-ups or anything . . .

I know I'm writing a LOT today, but I'm really trying to work through my anxiety. I can't afford to have a panic attack today - have to go to work tonight! You might think I worry too much, but I can't help it. I know when things are going to happen to me - for instance, I have a sinking suspicion my ex is gonna call me soon, and I'm not sure I can ignore the call again. I get this weight on my chest and I feel I can't breathe - what with my tire, then excessive worrying about stuff and I know I have to deal with things as they come, but I tend to build up things to worry about. I just have to remember to breathe . . .

My birthday last year was wonderful, and I'm trying to think how I can have a great one this year, too (especially since it's such a monumental age). But since my last birthday a lot of stuff has happened: my nephew-in-law was in a horrible freak accident and later died from it, I traveled back and forth to Baltimore to try to help out my niece, my former best girl friend decided to take a 'break' from me and has never decided to contact me again, I decided to give up trying to sell Mary Kay, I went to California for a wonderful vacation, I went to Las Vegas for an amazing time, I got deeper into debt and decided to get out of it once and for all, I started counseling, my best guy friend's dad died, I avoided a bad situation while walking alone after an event one night, I was in a car accident and totaled my car, I have had to see my chiropractor for back injuries due to the accident, my ex decided we'd never speak again (yet he's called me since then), I reconnected with some old friends, I started a part-time job, I gained and lost the same board seat for a non-profit, I've lost 17 pounds (after probably gaining 10), and I've decided to accept things as they are and work with what I can.

Recap of Last Weekend

Well, I got my first paycheck from BB&B - woo hoo! Wow, did it make a difference - I was able to catch up on a lot of things, pay ahead on some things, and have money left for groceries and a splurge on an outfit! (A CHEAP outfit - $23 for a tank, a shirt and skirt). I worked Friday night then went to B's to eat dinner (I had leftovers from lunch at his house). I ended up watching him play video games for a long while, basically because I was full, comfy, and tired. Then Saturday B and I went to our company picnic, which could have been a fiasco (view former post on that person that drives me crazy), but it was okay. The two bosses didn't show up until late, the wives behaved in a lovely manner, and it was a beautiful day to be outside. Plus, the food was delicious and the beer was cold. :-) Afterwards, I went to JB's with the intention of going the the Shadyside Arts Festival, but instead we just hung out on her porch with her dog and some wine. It was a perfect evening. Sunday I worked at BB&B in the morning (even though I was SO tired from the night before) and then B and his mom met me at the Waterfront for a little shopping (Target and Giant Eagle). We then went to his house to work on some things - making pasta sauce and cleaning up antique furniture he acquired from his great-grandmother's house. The furniture is beautiful - amazing what a little elbow grease and lemon oil will do. :-)

I am reflecting on how well B and I get along - he is definitely one of those people I consider a dear, close friend. We have our ups and downs, and we usually don't spend that much time together on the weekends, but it was nice. It's nice to know that through everything we've endured, we somehow had this wonderful friendship survive. He's truly like my family, and I'm very happy we've remained so close. I'm also proud of him for doing so well personally - I'm hoping his professional life improves in the next few weeks, too!

Feeling Pretty

Do you have friends or people in your life that just make you feel amazing? Like you're the most beautiful, smart, kind and loving person around? I have a few friends like that, and I am not sure they know how much it means to me. My one girlfriend, JB, always opens her IM's with "Hi, sexy!" or "Hi, sweetie!", etc. and they just make my day. My friend, M, does the same thing - it's like he's waiting for me to be online so he can start my day out right. My new friend from Chicago, Nirav, answers the phone with "What's up, Gorgeous?" whenever I call. That just makes me smile, and I am SO appreciative. I do try to look nice, and I'm really trying with my weight loss, so when someone says something positive to me, it just makes my entire day. Is that silly? I've never felt very pretty, especially growing up, because I was always teased about something. My high school boyfriend made a point to tell me how fat I was ALL the time (even though I wish I was that skinny, now!) and since he cheated on me numerous times, I thought I wasn't pretty enough for him. My friend, JC, writes about faux dates on her blog, and how exciting it is to get gussied up for a lunch 'date' with someone who's not a real date, but someone who makes you feel kinda special. That's important, I think, to do - to find ways to either remind yourself that you're worth a lot or to surround yourself with people who can assist with that. I try to do it for other people - I hope I do a pretty good job, anyway. I don't think you can shower someone with too much love or attention - some of us just really starve for it, you know?

All-Around Bad Day

So, do you ever have those days you just know are going to go badly? Well, I'm having it today. I woke up late - like after 8am - because I fell asleep with all my clothes on, the lights on, and the groceries not put away (got a phone call, sat on couch, hung up, and fell asleep) so I didn't set my alarm. Great start. Then, instead of being able to just jump in the shower and leave, I knew I had to wash my hair and shave my legs because I had planned to wear my favorite suit because I thought today might not go well. Just a feeling - someone I know is coming from out of town and the last time she was here, my best friend and I fought for a week afterwards, and I'm anxious. So, I wanted to feel confident today.

Anyway, I put on my favorite suit and it's no longer kinda sexy but kinda frumpy because it's too big. The skirt, which used to be tighter, is now more of an a-line skirt, and the jacket is so big that I look like a kid. Good thing I have on my favorite sexy undies - at least THAT makes me feel good about myself. But, I wear the suit anyway (running late, don't want to iron something else, etc.). Then, on my way to work, my TIRE BLOWS OFF THE CAR. No kidding - sidewall ripped apart. Thank goodness I was slowing down because I heard a strange noise. So, I had to wait for AAA to show up and change the tire and worry about what to do about it. But the guys at work are being helpful - telling me to take pictures and where to take it and not to let them keep the tire.

I should have stayed home today, but of course I would have felt guilty about that. I'm just in a jumpy mood - what with the person coming from out of town and then my former best friend maybe coming into town and I know she won't call me - all that is making ne nervous and edgy. Thank goodness I have BB&B to keep my mind off things for a few days - I need the distraction!

Half-Way There

So, I'm half-way to my weight loss goal - 17 lbs. lost. And though I'm not where I want to be yet, I'm excited and proud that I have come this far. I had planned to be further along by now, especially since my 35th birthday is fast-approaching, but I am learning to be patient with this struggle. I bought a skirt this week (I know, shouldn't spend money, but IT WAS ON SALE AT H&M) and it was a size 8 - two to three sizes down from what I was wearing. I still feel so fat - hate my thighs and tummy and back, and really hate my love handles - but I put into perspective that I'm thinner than I was just a few months ago. I got serious about this in June, so I've stuck with it for 2 months, which is a big deal for me - I tend to give up on diets because I get bored or lazy. So, keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I attempt to lose the OTHER half of my goal!

Always Running Late

That's me. Not just a few minutes - usually more like 1/2 hour, an hour, or even later. I have no concept of time, I admit it. I'm 35 years old (almost) and I am not dependable when it comes to being on time. I know other people HATE that, too, and it doesn't help me get better. I don't like to make people wait, and I don't do it on purpose, but there has to be some underlying reason why I'm always late. What's weird is that in my immediate family, I'm one of the EARLIEST to get ready. My oldest niece, the widow who lives in Baltimore - I ALWAYS have to wait on her and her mom when we go somewhere. I just don't have any concept of time. But I am going to start timing myself on how long it takes me to get ready, maybe get some more clocks so I can really see what is taking me so long. I don't LOOK like I take forever to get ready - seriously, I don't look that put together. I am going to start timing my 'getting-ready' routine as well and find out where my weaknesses are. I think I just start late, thinking I can hurry, when truth be told, there is no hurrying me. So, I am going to time it all out, make myself a schedule and stick to it. I have to do this because I hurt not only myself, but others around me.

Love, True Love

What is true love? And I don't mean love from God, because I know that is the purest, truest form. But love we have for one another - when is it true? Is it when you can't wait to hear from that person, or when you can't imagine your life w/out him or her in it? Or when you put his or her wants and needs above yours and everyone else's (and not in a detrimental way, of course). And can you have true love if it isn't reciprocated? Is unrequited love true? I know that when I love someone, truly and completely, it consumes me. And I don't just mean romantic love - I feel that way about my friends and family, too. A co-worker and I were discussing this morning how our pasts shape our feelings now for men, and it's difficult to let go of the past. But we also are not the type of women who give in or give up things - we know what we want, just don't know how to get it. So, if we pretend to be something we're not - needy or weak, let's say - then are we really able to be truly in love, and more importantly, truly loved BACK? I sometimes wonder why guys can talk to you about how they can't find a nice girl, a sane girl, a fun girl, etc. when they are looking right at you. Do I set myself up to be the 'eternal friend' to guys I meet because of the way I am? I like who I am - I do think I'm a catch and I'm decent-looking and I'm fun, I just don't think other people see that in me because I'm so nice and friendly and not looking for a hook-up. I have been in love, more times than I'd like to admit, and sometimes it's very one-sided, but it's still been true in my eyes and in my heart. I also hide things well, but it's that fear of being hurt that seems to keep my barriers up, but I don't mind admitting to those I care about when I'm feeling sad or upset. I just wish I knew the magic to it - I seem to be surrounded by people so happy in love, and I'm happy for them, but I'd like to be able to have that again. Or did I ever have it? I look back at the relationships I've had, the guys I've loved (and still love to some degree) and I try to analyze what went wrong. Maybe I'm destined to be alone - it's not a bad thing, just something I may have to accept. I know I have a lot of love to give someone, but it seems lately the ones I want to give it to are not receptive to it, and it's frustrating. I know I'm rambling - maybe I'm just tired. :-) Or maybe the reason these thoughts are swirling in my head is because I'm less than a month away from becoming an old maid at 35. To quote Carrie Bradshaw from Sex & the City, "I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love." Hey, she and Big did eventually wind up together after six years of going back and forth, and she was 38! :-)

See What I Mean?

Remember how I said one of the reasons I think I distrust so much is because I tend to attract ATTACHED men? Well, let me just reiterate that for you.

So, I met this guy, Robert, in November of last year. Michelle, someone I used to hang out with, and I were having drinks at the bar, he started talking to us, everything was cool. He was out with his brother, who liked Michelle, and she wouldn't have anything to do with him because he's a "player." Robert, on the other hand, made sure to let us know he was NOT a "player." So, Robert got both our numbers (Michelle had invited him to a party we were having) and he then proceeded to call and/or text message me over the next few days. I was out one night listening to my friend's band, and he met me for a drink - perfectly innocent, he walked to my car, I thought he was a nice guy. Well, he shows up at the party and gives all his attention to Michelle (he said because she was drunk and all over him and he felt bad) and then I pretty much ignore him. He tried to make up with me, but I told him I didn't need that and I had enough friends. So, no more word from him. Until March. I see him when I'm out at a friend's birthday party, and he buys me drinks and pays me lots of attention. I decided to let bygones be bygones and at least talk to him. He then started texting me again, at least once a week. Some were flirty, but mostly they were friendly. The last texts we exchanged were Friday night - he texted "Are you out" and I replied "No."

So imagine my surprise when I get a voicemail message yesterday from a girl named Melissa or Michelle (I can't remember) who says she's Robert's girlfriend of TEN YEARS, they are probably getting married, and she was wondering why her boyfriend was text messaging me. She sounded pleasant enough - apologized for calling and even said she wouldn't blame me for not calling back, she just wanted to know who I was. Well, truthfully, I'm nobody to him - we didn't technically go on a date or anything. So, I'm not calling her back (though part of me wants to tell her what a creep he is). But, see my point????? I DO attract attached men! Why can't I attract a nice UNATTACHED guy?

Do you have one person in your life who drives you insane?

I do. Her name is Diane. She is the person who truly makes me crazy. She IM'ed me on Friday and was all pissed off because I couldn't talk to her (she had also called me). News Flash: I WAS AT WORK. I can't take time to talk to her during the day just because it's convenient for her. I told her to call me Sunday night after I got off work at BB&B - she said she had a shower to attend. Okay, so I'm sorry I can't work with YOUR schedule, I told her, but I have to work. She is mad because I'm working at BB&B instead of selling Mary Kay, as I used to, for her. Well, selling Mary Kay requires me to buy product UP FRONT - I don't have the money to do that anymore. I am doing everything I can to get out of debt and get in a comfortable financial place. I like Mary Kay, will still use it, but can't sell it anymore. But if she were my FRIEND she would understand that. So, the only times she has called me over the last few months was to leave me a voicemail message CONGRATULATING me for getting a new car and then she sent a Mary Kay "Look Book" to me at work and wrote a note on it saying if I needed anything to let her know. Um, I have TONS of Mary Kay product at home and I would have appreciated a phone call from her when I TOTALED my other car, not once I finally got another one. I feel like when my former friend moved to DC, Diane and I lost ground as friends, if we were ever friends, because anytime I would mention that mutual friend she would turn right around and call HER. I didn't need anymore angst or frustration between us, so I avoided Diane for that reason. Then, it became evident she was only interested in my Mary Kay business, so I was honest and said I wouldn't be doing it anymore and said if I needed help, I'd let her know. I didn't - I took care of my customers and had nothing that she needed to do. But yet now SHE is mad - go figure. I feel like I should write a letter to her and just explain what went wrong, (I also feel that way at times about other people that used to be in my life) but I doubt it will get through to her or even be worth my time.

I can't wait to get another job so I can avoid her all together (she is married to one of my co-workers) - I think I'll be drinking A LOT at the company picnic next week just to get through it!

Generally Happy

I am a generally happy person. I know I have my moments of sadness or obsessiveness, but I'm pretty much an all-around happy girl. One of the managers at BB&B complimented me the other night because he said everyone finds me pleasant and easy-going. I really don't see why I should be any other way - I don't like myself when I'm in a 'funk.' Sure, I tend to vent (A LOT) about my crappy job or lack of money or my crazy family, but I like to talk myself out of most of my bad moods because I can't allow myself to feel sorry for myself or ask anyone else to feel that way for me, either. So, what makes me happy? I know there is my list of comforting things, but what really makes me happy? I think it's making other people truly at ease and bringing some joy to someone else. If I can do something that is nurturing or helpful, and even if I'm not thanked or given a second thought for doing it, I feel really good about it. We all like to be appreciated, but I really don't need recognition for doing a lot, and when I DO get recognized, I am just elated for days afterward. I have taken numerous personality tests over the years in classes and through work, and they always show that my personality leads me to be this way. And I don't really want to change it. I know I'm seen as a pushover and someone who is submissive, but I do fight for what I think is right and I won't go against my principles just to make someone happy. But if you ask me to do something, even if it's out of my way, I'll probably do it to make your life easier or to make you smile. That is what makes me happy. Just show me that you do appreciate it every once in awhile. :-)

Why I Distrust So Much

I have always wondered why I distrust so much, men in particular. I think it's because I have always suffered some kind of disappointment, shame or deep hurt due to the relationships I have with men. For instance, right now I am sitting at the computer on a beautiful afternoon, my favorite dog at my feet, and yet I dwell on the fact my oldest brother has not called me in a week, even though he promised to call me last Sunday evening. And it wouldn't really matter much, except I asked him to help me with something (at my mom's request). He always acts like I need so much help with my life (he calls himself my life coach) and yet when I do ask him for help, he doesn't respond. Sure, I could call him, but then I'd feel badly if I'm bothering him. I just hate asking for help because I usually don't get greeted with an abundance of assistance. I'd rather just take care of myself, even if asking for help would be faster and easier for me in the long run.

So maybe I started out this way because my father died when I was just a kid and I saw how dependent my mom was on him and knew I'd never be that way. Or maybe I'm this way because I didn't really know my brothers growing up and they weren't a huge part of my life. Or maybe it's because my step-father was so verbally and mentally abusive. Or because I'm always attracted to men that are just like him. Or it's because I was "inappropriately touched" by male family members when I was young, and then later by my college roommate's brother. Or because I tend to attract men who are already attached and I seem to make the perfect "other woman." Or it's all in my head and I'm just crazy. I just wish I could pinpoint a time or a place or an event that caused this distrust in my heart so I could make it go away. I don't want to be distrustful because I really strive for openness and honesty in every relationship I have. I might need to learn to trust myself more first, trust that I am worth so much. Because I am.

Having TWO Hometowns

My best guy-friend thinks I'm weird because I claim to have TWO hometowns. But I have no other way to explain it - I was born in a little steel town in SW Pennsylvania and lived there 8 years until my mom decided I should be raised a southern gal in a sleepy li'l town in SE Georgia (her hometown). Now, granted, a lot of factors played into the reason for our move. My dad had succumbed to cancer, my brothers were older and had their own lives (and were trying to tell my mom how to live hers) and my mom was depressed and really missed her family. Since my dad's and my brothers' childhoods were in PA, I feel connected to it. People there knew my dad and mom and brothers, I have relatives there, I feel somewhat at home when I am there. Yet I also feel the disconnect because I was raised down south, away from that side of my family, so my mom's and step-dad's family are the ones who know me best. However, when I'm down south, I feel the same disconnect - though I went to school with these people, I shared life experiences with them, they still have always seen me as a "yankee". So, I do have two hometowns - very different, yet very much the same. And I'm who I am because of them both, because of their histories and their effect on my family and their climates and their people. I hope they both have taught me to be tolerant and open-minded and kind and loyal and adaptable and independent, because that is the kind of towns they are, or at least try to be.