Unfairness of Life

When one of my nieces recently graduated from college, the speaker at her baccalaureate discussed "Is God Fair?" in such a way that really made me think. IS HE? He is just, and forgiving, and merciful. But is He fair? And what makes us think He should be fair? Do we do all we can for Him? I know I don't. I expect Him to do a lot for me, but I don't really give a lot of myself to Him at all - I don't even attend regular church services. I live my life mainly for myself, though I do a few charitable things. I try to justify myself because I know I'm a nurturer by nature and I think that makes me feel better about myself. But, I know I'm not doing what is pleasing to God, even if I do put other people first a lot of times. (Especially since a lot of times I'm complaining to myself even when I am trying to be selfless). But it does seem that events in life are overwhelming unfair, most recently to people I know. The loss of loved ones, especially unexpected losses, are especially unfair. And sometimes you just don't seem to get a break, which makes it unbearable. You just don't want to get out of bed in the morning for fear something else bad will happen. And even if you go through your day and nothing bad happens, you can just feel so sad because of all the overwhelming stuff that has already taken place. It's like you're stuck in a place where you don't want to be but you can't seem to find your way out.

Disappointments in Life

To disappoint is to to fail to satisfy the hope, desire, or expectation of; to frustrate or thwart. I am one of those people who gets disappointed pretty easily. I think I set very high expectations and assume other people will react as I would. Say, for instance, someone says they are going to hang out with you and then they don't. That disappoints me because it's not that I'm upset at that person for choosing to do something else, it just makes me feel as if I'm being treated indifferently. And I like to matter - who doesn't? I try to make a point NOT to disappoint other people, though I'm famous for disappointing my mother (she would be happiest if I spent every waking hour with her). But all those little disappointments in my life don't seem to even matter because I couldn't imagine dealing with one of the biggest disappointments for a woman - suffering a miscarriage. I think that would be disappointing on so many levels - you are disappointed in your body for failing you, in God for not allowing it to happen when you did everything right, in friends for not being supportive enough, in your partner because obviously he didn't do something right, in the pregnancy test for showing up positive, in yourself for worrying too much, in fate, in the stars, and in whatever else you can think of that might be at fault! I think a few years ago things might have been easier because you didn't really have an opportunity to know so early that you were pregnant, and some of that anxiety wasn't present. But now women can know within days of conception, practically, that they are expecting and what might have just been classified as a late period before is now known to be a miscarriage. I just wish I had words of wisdom for those women I know who have suffered through this . . .

A blur of a weekend

So, from Wednesday to Sunday I didn't stop to breathe much. Wednesday I went out (see last entry) and then Thursday I went out for another friend's birthday. Thursday was fun - started at Carson City Saloon, then went to Elixir and ended (for me, anyway) at Mario's. My friend turned 39, but she is so gorgeous and fun you'd never guess it! Friday was a long drive with a friend to Hershey, PA to see DMB - and it was the first time I got to hear my favorite song live! Plus, they didn't play those songs they seem to play every concert, so that was nice, too (especially for those folks who have been to TONS of concerts!). So, we got back to Pittsburgh around 4am, and I got to sleep around 5am. Saturday I got up around 11am and headed to Beaver County for my nephew's graduation party, which started at 1pm (I arrived around 2'ish). It was good to see my family, and meet some friends of my brother's. Wasn't much I could eat there, but I then went to my mom's and ate, so it was all good. :-) After leaving there I went to visit a friend who needed a friend, then I went and washed and vacuumed my car and did a little grocery shopping. I didn't get home until about 10pm, so I ate dinner, talked to a friend and watched a Sex and the City rerun. Sunday I got up just in time to get ready and be 10 minutes late to brunch at Zenith in the Southside. We had a 45 minute wait, anyhow, so the three of us sat around and chatted for a bit. Let me just say the food is amazing. I had Spinach Cashew Casserole, which consisted of lentils, brown rice, spinach, cashews, carrots and onions in a ginger sweet soy sauce. My one friend had a Jakarta Wrap, which was a honey wheat tortilla filled with spicy-sweet tofu, spinach, carrots, raisins and sunflower seeds served with a peanut dressing while our male friend had chocolate-chip (vegan) pancakes. The salad bar was astounding - any kind of pasta or bean salad you could imagine, and grape leaves! Everything on the salad bar, including the breads and desserts, were vegan, and they were just incredible. Plus, we sat at a table with other people (the seating arrangements are nestled in with the antiques so you are sitting at an antique dining room table drinking from antique glassware) so we got to meet some new folks as well. After we were finished eating, the host (someone we met last week at the Tiki party) came over and chatted with us for awhile. And can you believe we got all that for $10??? After the yummy brunch, I went to the Waterfront to pick up a birthday gift and then headed to my friend's house for his son's 2nd birthday party. Of course, my friend told me the wrong time so I was about an hour early. :-) But, it was nice hanging out with his parents and just kinda relaxing. After the party I went home and did absolutely nothing except read, watch a movie and go to bed.

Political Discussions at Bars

I don't recommend EVER getting into a political discussion with people who are more drunk than you. Just doesn't turn out well AT ALL. I admit, it's amusing as hell, but it won't end on a good note. Someone is going to get all bent out of shape, and it's usually the one who had the most to drink. I went out with some friends to RedFin Blues last night and was the lightweight drinker. However, I got into a discussion about how Clinton was a great president - there were three of us in agreement but we were arguing with the ONE person who thought he was not. We all made valid points, but she wasn't buying them. Luckily, she had to get up to pee, and she forgot all about our conversation when she returned!

Face from the past

So, a couple of weeks ago one of my best friends from high school visited Pittsburgh and we hung out for several hours. First let me say that he has not changed a bit. He looked the same, talked the same, and pretty much acted the same. Now, granted, I haven't seen him in about 15 years (yes, showing my age here). But, we went different ways after high school and seemed to lose touch and in the last year or so found each other again on one of those reunion websites. So, it worked out well that he happened to be in Pittsburgh for a class and we could meet for dinner. It was so good seeing him because he played a huge role in my junior and senior high school years. And I never knew what a difference I made in his life, so it was very nice to hear that after all these years he still thinks of me as one of his best friends. The last year has been rough on me because of so many factors I won't even begin to discuss right now, but it was just the right medicine for me to hear that from him. I honestly think seeing him put me back on the right path in my life and I'm very grateful to him for that.

Good things about the weekend

So on a positive note, I did enjoy the rest of the weekend (besides parts of Father's Day). Friday I went to the Red Room with friends, and enjoyed some wine and a yummy vegetarian dish consisting of sweet potato burritos. We also went to the Highland Pub, which had a nice outside area where we sat. Saturday night I went to a friend's Tiki Party, and met some really cool people. The apartment was awesome - 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, big kitchen, two outside decks, nice neighborhood in Oakland. Too bad he already has it rented out (he's moving to DC)! And Sunday wasn't all sad for me - I did bake cookies for my nephew's graduation party before I went to the cemetary. So, all in all it was a nice weekend, especially since the weather was so perfect.

I made it through another Father's Day

You'd think as I get older, this day would get easier. However, to my dismay, it does not. I miss my dad horribly and I am not even sure that I knew him that well. My therapist says I did know him because he spent so much time with me during my formative years and he shaped my personality (and my mother attests to that). But I just wish I could remember him more. I also wish he were alive so I could see him and touch him and talk to him. I get jealous of people I know who dream of their past loved ones - I don't remember my dreams, so I don't even get to experience his presence there. I get so lost sometimes and know if he were here things might not be easier, but at least I would have someone else on my side. Don't get me wrong, my family is great, but when you have three brothers who have their own families, it's hard sometimes to get a word in edgewise. I know with my dad I would have his undivided attention. And he would enjoy time with my nieces and nephews immensely - they have turned out to be such amazing people. I just really do miss him, more and more.

Signs of Summer

I was driving past Highland Park Wednesday and saw two things that made me smile. The first was several gentlemen dressed in Renaissance gear practicing their swordsmanship (now, I'm not sure if this is a word or not, but it is going to have to do) - that was unexpected! The second was about 50 cyclists racing along Lake Drive, traveling in the direction towards me. I swear I could almost feel the wind from them speeding by, even though they were in the park! But I was almost giddy to see these sights because it was a lovely day, the sun was out, I was going to meet a friend, and I was genuinely happy to see signs of summer in this lovely city I call home!

I really like my car

Okay, I'm sure that sounds very silly, but I do! I love it so much. If you knew the agony I went through to get it, you'd completely understand my elation every time I see it. A little over 2 months ago I was in a car accident (not my fault) and totaled my previous car. Not having car rental insurance on my policy was horrible because I had to borrow cars or beg rides everywhere. So, I began a car search and narrowed my choices down to about three favorites. The winner was a VW Beetle that I adore. I didn't think I could love a car so much! It's pretty roomy for such a small car, and it's just so darn cute! And the fact I can parallel park like a pro now is just a bonus!

Changing myself

I think it's a good thing to always find ways to better yourself. Whether it be through education or living healthier or just by trying harder at something, I admire people who do what they can to improve. I am doing that right now on a lot of levels. First of all, I'm on a strict diet trying to lose weight and be healthier and I've lost a little over 5 pounds so far. Secondly, I'm networking to try to find a better job because I love what I do yet have become disillusioned with my employer. Thirdly, I'm taking classes so as to receive certification in a field that interests me and should help in my job search. And lastly, I'm becoming more willing to try new things and experience life again without worrying what others think. I think other people can get to me so easily and I don't want to be influenced by exterior forces anymore. I know my own shortcomings and I am working on them but I don't need negativity to slow me down or to hurt me. I may not be the prettiest or slimmest or tallest or smartest, but I have so much to offer and the people who love me know that. I just have to remember it myself, and I am definitely on the road to becoming a better me!

Looking forward to the weekend

So, is it 5 o'clock yet??? I haven't even been at work everyday this week (had a 2-day class) and I'm SO READY FOR THE WEEKEND! I have decided I somehow need to become independently wealthy because being part of the working class sux! And I'd be a great rich person - I'd buy stuff for my friends and family, I'd give more to charities, and I wouldn't live extravagantly at all. Oh, but I digress, sorry. So, anyway, I'm looking forward to the weekend because my friend is having a Tiki party tomorrow night (which sounds very fun) and I'm having drinks tonight at the Red Room, where I've never been (heard great stuff about it, though). And even though Sunday is Father's Day *see a previous blog for my thoughts on THAT*, I think I can make it through because I am going to be baking cookies for my nephew's graduation party. I LOVE my nephew, so this will be a fun thing for my mom and me to do to kind of take our minds off the sad holiday. So, I am definitely looking forward to the weekend (only 2 more hours!).

DMB

Okay, so I love Dave Matthews Band, yet I feel inadequate at times because I don't know all the songs or I don't know all the lyrics to the songs I do know (try being surrounded by a crowd of fans who know ALL the words by heart). I just really enjoy the music and I am totally in love with Boyd Tinsley. So, this past weekend getting to see them two nights in a row was completely amazing for me. My friends asked which night I liked better and I couldn't answer because I was just so happy to be there, to be able to experience it all. The set, the music, the energy, the crowd - it's hard to explain. But I feel very lucky that I got turned onto DMB, and I look forward to going to other shows this summer! :-)

HATING Father's Day

I honestly hate Father's Day. I don't have a father (mine died when I was young and my step-dad also died several years ago), and I try not to hate the day and rather use it as a way to celebrate the fact I have great brothers who turned out to be pretty great dads, but I am just overwhelmed by it this year for some reason. Maybe it's the fact that two of my friends lost their fathers recently or maybe because every time I check my email there's an ad for a Father's Day Sale, but it's really making me edgy this year. I just want to scream because I don't remember THAT many Mother's Day reminders earlier this year! I just wish the day would be over . . .

Unequated Love

Okay, the title sounds a little presumptuous. I just sometimes feel I love so strongly that I end up getting hurt along the way. And I don't mean just when I'm "in love" - I mean how I feel about my friends and family, especially my friends. I get so jealous and possessive, it's ridiculous at times, but I just want everyone to know how much I care about them and how I put them first all the time. But I am trying to curtail my obsessions - trying to put myself first so I can gain perspective. Here's hoping it works . . .

We all are different, but . . .

I know this is going to sound stupid, but there are times I dislike being different. Don't get me wrong - I think individuality is SO important and crucial, but sometimes I just wish people didn't have a reason to pick on me. I know, you're saying, "poor baby." But do people ALWAYS have to find something to tease about? Can't we just for once compliment each other instead of finding ways to make the other one feel just a tad bit inferior? And I know it's all in good fun, but there are times it just gets under my skin. I cannot help my stature, nor the size of my breasts, nor that I was raised in the south. And I embrace those idiosyncrasies I call my own. So, sometimes it would be nice to NOT be picked on for my little differences is all I'm trying to say . . .

Why Start a Blog?

Because everyone else is doing it? No . . .
Because I'm bored? No . . .
Because I want a place to just vent and share it with others? Bingo!

I tend to have a LOT to say (I'm quite a talker) and I thought keeping an online journal would free up some time for my friends who have to hear me vent and help me really arrange my thoughts in a better manner. I hope you all comment and tell me when I'm being completely irrational and give me some encouragement every once in awhile!