So, Helen tagged me to do this, and since I need something to distract me from my doldrums, here goes . . .

(let me say beforehand FORGIVE ME since it's going to be a work-related book)

1. Grab the book closest to you.
2. Open to page 123 and go down to the fifth sentence.
3. Post the text of next 3 sentences on your blog.
4. Name the book and the author.
5. Tag three people.


"I remember seeing a sign in someone's cubicle that said, 'Why is it that no one notices what I do around here, until I stop doing it?' Let's start noticing! #63 Ambassadors, Advocates, and Apostles"

Get Weird! 101 Innovative Ways to Make Your Company a Great Place to Work by John Putzier

Tagging JC, BB and ADP

Please bear with me . . .

. . .but I have a lot to say today and can't type fast enough to get it all out. I am so miserable that I think I'm having a meltdown. I have been extremely late to work repeatedly, and just don't care. I honestly love my job at BB&B because I have no time to think, I just work. I don't want to think. I hate my life right now. I hate that I can't afford my apartment because I love it, or that I cry all the time or that I work until 1am because of the holiday season and then can't sleep when I get home and can't wake up, which starts the awful cycle again of being late. I hate that I can't seem to get my life together - I'm too old to be in this place, I should be more settled. I hate that no one understands me, they only judge everything I do and blame me for stuff and try to make me feel crappier, not try to help. I hate that I am the strong one for my mom because truthfully, I can't always be strong for her. I hate that Curtis called me on Sunday and left me this stupid message about how he's dysfunctional and it would never work with us and yet he still loves me and wanted to tell me that. Well, duh, on the part of him being dysfunctional, but does he even know what loving me entails? I don't think I ask much, but honestly, I do ask that someone respect me and be okay with all my demons. I have never found anyone, not boyfriend or even friend-wise, who can deal with that. I have to be perfect. I seem to be held to such standards - maybe that is why I can take this job right now because they don't care when I come in or ever say anything to me because I think they know I'm on the edge. I care so much about so much - my brain is never quiet, I'm always thinking of ways to make other people happy and yet have no clue how to make myself happy. And yet when I try to make others happy I seem to get hurt because it doesn't seem good enough. I was able to talk to my therapist about this stuff, but somehow didn't feel it was enough because I was getting more stressed about going, about paying for it or making the time then I was getting any benefits from it. I love Christmas, but I'm feeling so sad about it this year because I don't have a lot to spend on gifts and I'm SO alone. I have never felt this alone in my life, and don't know why it's now hitting me. Granted, I've been going back and forth with Curtis for the past six years, and in the last month really decided it's over and done, so maybe that is affecting me more than I'd like to admit. Or maybe it's the fact I feel so inadequate because every guy I know tells me how great a friend I am but doesn't seem to want more. I really feel my age this year because 35 has such a stigma to it - I feel much more desperate than I am accustomed to feeling. I can't get anyone to budge at work on stuff because it's not important to them and they'd rather concentrate on minutiae. I may not give them 100% of my time, but I do try to get things done that actually matter, like performance reviews and the like. It seems the moments that mean so much to me, like spending time this past weekend with B's mom decorating B's Christmas tree or baking cookies with my mom, are fleeting and only end up as a blip on the screen of my life. I know I don't have a lot of time for anything anymore, and I do realize that, but what did I do before with my free time? Nothing. I hate myself so much - I feel fat, I feel out of shape and out of sorts, I feel worthless, I feel sad. And I'm not looking to someone to fix it, I guess I'd just like someone to address it with me and help. But I can't turn to anyone because everyone else is tied up, too. I had one night off this week and all I did was run from store to store trying to make one person happy and I ran out of time and was tired and hungry and ended up crashing at my mom's because I was having a panic attack. Oh, and listened to my one friend talk for two hours about how she is over-analyzing a boy liking her. I lack that confidence where I can walk into a room and claim someone I like and then go after it, as she did. But yet, it's not enough for her that he likes her and they get along so well. Why are we never happy with what we have?

Why can't I be happy that I have friends who do admire me and want to hang out with me? Why can't I be happy that my family, as crazy as they are, love me as much as they can? Why can't I accept other people's decisions and just have faith it will work out in the end? Why can't I wake up in the morning - am I that depressed?

Okay, I'll stop now because I can't feel sorry for myself anymore. I'm sorry for anyone having to read this - I just have to get the words out before I explode.

Anxiety Again

I am feeling very anxious this week. B and I have not been getting along, and I am so unhappy about his situation with this girl he's dating. It seems every time he is planning to go there or she's planning to come here they are on the verge of breaking up right beforehand. I think she likes the drama, maybe likes to know he cares about her enough to continue to 'fight' for her, but I think it's ridiculous. Of course, I can't say anything to him because he'll just get mad at me. She basically hates me and I feel so detached from him and I just want him to be happy. I know I was in a bad relationship with C for so long, and I continued to let him hurt me even until recently, but I know what being continually beaten down can do to a person. I feel very alone right now, too - Christmas is coming and I'm alone, and though I don't need someone to make me feel complete, it would be nice to have someone in my life. I am not sure what I am doing wrong, or more importantly, what I am not doing right, to improve this part of my life. I think I have a lot to offer, just can't seem to figure out what to do to make someone else see it. I just don't know . . . but I don't want this anxious feeling anymore. I hate it. I cry at the drop of a hat and I can't sleep well at all. Why am a I such a tortured soul, I wonder?

Thanksgiving Week

So, the week of Thanksgiving was a bit crazy. The prior Sunday I spent time with my brother and sister-in-law, watching the Steelers play and enjoying my mama's famous chicken and dumplings (well, I just ate the dumplings since I don't eat meat). I worked Monday and Tuesday at both jobs, then had Wednesday off. That day was spent running around doing some errands and taking B to the airport so he could spend the holiday with his GF. Then I went to mom's to spend five wonderful days with my family. I love my oldest brother, I really do, but he can be an handful. Thank goodness my niece came home to save me. She actually came home Wednesday, which was earlier than she had planned, and didn't tell her parents she was coming SO THEY WOULDN'T CONTINUALLY CALL HER. They are something else. Anyway, when she got in Wednesday, all of us girls went grocery shopping at Trader Joe's. Then we bought some wine and a few other groceries at Giant Eagle, then went home to watch The DaVinci Code. We got up early Thanksgiving morning to cook - I baked pies, mom prepped the turkey, Sissy made stuffing and I made most everything else from veggies to 'cheesy rice.' My middle bro and his brood, including his newly engaged 22-year-old daughter and her fiancee, came to dinner about 5 o'clock and we had a lovely time. It was strange to not have my youngest bro's family there, but they had dinner at their own house this year because my sis-in-law, Honey, has older parents and she wanted to make it easier on them. Then Sissy's brother and his wife came over later and we played cards until after midnight. Friday I went to work at BB&B from noon to six, then came back to mom's to just hang out with her while they went to Sissy's niece's house. Paubie and I watched Memoirs of a Geisha that night, which was very good. Saturday I had to be at work early, then afterwards we hung out with my youngest bro and his wife at mom's then Paubie and I shopped for a bit before going to a wine-tasting party at her cousin's. I left them to go to my friend Shannon's birthday party, then got back to mom's around 4am. Sunday the girls left for Baltimore, and bro and I hung out together the rest of the day, watching football mainly. I spent the night there because he was leaving Monday morning, then I left and picked up B from the airport and went to work. All in all it was a whirlwind week, kind of bittersweet because they aren't coming home for Christmas, but I am very happy I have my family around me when I do.