. . .but I have a lot to say today and can't type fast enough to get it all out. I am so miserable that I think I'm having a meltdown. I have been extremely late to work repeatedly, and just don't care. I honestly love my job at BB&B because I have no time to think, I just work. I don't want to think. I hate my life right now. I hate that I can't afford my apartment because I love it, or that I cry all the time or that I work until 1am because of the holiday season and then can't sleep when I get home and can't wake up, which starts the awful cycle again of being late. I hate that I can't seem to get my life together - I'm too old to be in this place, I should be more settled. I hate that no one understands me, they only judge everything I do and blame me for stuff and try to make me feel crappier, not try to help. I hate that I am the strong one for my mom because truthfully, I can't always be strong for her. I hate that Curtis called me on Sunday and left me this stupid message about how he's dysfunctional and it would never work with us and yet he still loves me and wanted to tell me that. Well, duh, on the part of him being dysfunctional, but does he even know what loving me entails? I don't think I ask much, but honestly, I do ask that someone respect me and be okay with all my demons. I have never found anyone, not boyfriend or even friend-wise, who can deal with that. I have to be perfect. I seem to be held to such standards - maybe that is why I can take this job right now because they don't care when I come in or ever say anything to me because I think they know I'm on the edge. I care so much about so much - my brain is never quiet, I'm always thinking of ways to make other people happy and yet have no clue how to make myself happy. And yet when I try to make others happy I seem to get hurt because it doesn't seem good enough. I was able to talk to my therapist about this stuff, but somehow didn't feel it was enough because I was getting more stressed about going, about paying for it or making the time then I was getting any benefits from it. I love Christmas, but I'm feeling so sad about it this year because I don't have a lot to spend on gifts and I'm SO alone. I have never felt this alone in my life, and don't know why it's now hitting me. Granted, I've been going back and forth with Curtis for the past six years, and in the last month really decided it's over and done, so maybe that is affecting me more than I'd like to admit. Or maybe it's the fact I feel so inadequate because every guy I know tells me how great a friend I am but doesn't seem to want more. I really feel my age this year because 35 has such a stigma to it - I feel much more desperate than I am accustomed to feeling. I can't get anyone to budge at work on stuff because it's not important to them and they'd rather concentrate on minutiae. I may not give them 100% of my time, but I do try to get things done that actually matter, like performance reviews and the like. It seems the moments that mean so much to me, like spending time this past weekend with B's mom decorating B's Christmas tree or baking cookies with my mom, are fleeting and only end up as a blip on the screen of my life. I know I don't have a lot of time for anything anymore, and I do realize that, but what did I do before with my free time? Nothing. I hate myself so much - I feel fat, I feel out of shape and out of sorts, I feel worthless, I feel sad. And I'm not looking to someone to fix it, I guess I'd just like someone to address it with me and help. But I can't turn to anyone because everyone else is tied up, too. I had one night off this week and all I did was run from store to store trying to make one person happy and I ran out of time and was tired and hungry and ended up crashing at my mom's because I was having a panic attack. Oh, and listened to my one friend talk for two hours about how she is over-analyzing a boy liking her. I lack that confidence where I can walk into a room and claim someone I like and then go after it, as she did. But yet, it's not enough for her that he likes her and they get along so well. Why are we never happy with what we have?
Why can't I be happy that I have friends who do admire me and want to hang out with me? Why can't I be happy that my family, as crazy as they are, love me as much as they can? Why can't I accept other people's decisions and just have faith it will work out in the end? Why can't I wake up in the morning - am I that depressed?
Okay, I'll stop now because I can't feel sorry for myself anymore. I'm sorry for anyone having to read this - I just have to get the words out before I explode.
1 comment:
You know, there are people who think you're great and want you to know it...
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