Huh? I don't get it

Aren't there things you witness or experience that really make you wonder about stuff? Not life-altering things, just those little oddities that you really don't understand.
-For instance, did you notice those billboards that the Cartoon Network put up at the beginning of the month all over town with just phrases on them, such as "Clowns Hate Tangelos". What was that about? I know they were advertising shows and I guess kids get them, but I really don't want to see a sign saying "I Pooted" every morning on my way to work.
And why do women's thong undies cost so much? I mean, really - there's hardly anything there.
Why do grown-ups act like they are in high school? Intelligent, seemingly well-bred, professional adults spreading rumors and taking sides like high schoolers - what a waste of energy.
-Why do people lie, or make promises they can't keep, only to hurt someone else?
-Why does it cost you MORE to eat healthy?
-Why do married guys choose not to wear a wedding ring? I mean, I know my oldest brother doesn't wear his when he's working, he's an engineer, but he wears it at other times. I've met A LOT of married men, usually in their 40's, who decide to go without a wedding band AT ALL TIMES. They should have to wear some other kind of symbol so innocent single women won't even show an interest.
-Why is it on payday I'm already broke again?
-Why does my boss think I take better notes because I'm a woman?

I'll add more later . . . that's all I can think of right now.

Okay, I thought of some more . . .
- Why do I still have acne at age 34? I mean, doesn't old age come with SOME perks?
- Why do guys think if they pay you attention and buy you a beer that they and their buddies are entitled to some kinda fun at your expense?
- Why do girls who need "rescued" or "saved" get all the guys?

Finding Comfort

So, I should be writing a report for work, but I need to vent ('magine that) because I still feel crappy and I am not liking life. So, I want to remind myself of those things that bring me comfort and make me happy to be alive . . .

• lying on my best guy-friend's couch reading Maxim or Playboy while he plays XBox
• sitting on my mom's back porch in the sun with a newspaper
• making my oldest niece laugh
• being in a bear hug with one of my brothers
• cooking
• IM'ing with my friends - JB and M especially
• spending time with B's dog
• walking
• enjoying a drink with a friend at a local bar
• talking to my dear friend R on the phone
• volunteering my time for charitable causes
• getting an email from friends (I especially enjoy JC's!)
• shopping (yes, I know it's a guilty pleasure, but it still brings me comfort!)
• making the people I care about happy
• feeling sad and then having B make me laugh (he's great at that!)
• curling up on my couch with an old movie and a gossip magazine
• dancing
• doing yard work
• getting unexpected presents
• eating a piece of dark chocolate
• having sex with someone I trust completely
• flirting
• having a delicious meal with good company
• meeting new, fun people

Okay, I'm feeling better. . . wow, that actually worked!

Last Monday Night

I haven't had a chance to write about my experience last Monday night, so here it is. I went to Margarita Mama's in Station Square to see The Roots perform. My friend, Kelly, who is from Philly, really likes them and for a $10 ticket, a lot of her friends decided to join her to see them. I must say, I had not heard of them before, but I really enjoyed the show. Quite an eclectic crowd had gathered, from college kids to some folks (but not many) a few years older than me. But all the opening acts (had to be at least five of them) were awesome, and there was a non-stop beat - we danced for hours! Now, I walked to the event (well, walked to Steel Plaza then took the T), so I was already a little sweaty because it was a very humid day in the 'Burgh. Plus, beers at $5 a bottle weren't something I was drinking a lot of, so I would say I was pretty icky hot. So, some guy from Chicago decides to pick me out of the crowd. Go figure. I'm thinking it's because he's not so tall, and I'm VERY short, and he saw me as an easy target. But, he's a decent dancer and he offered to walk me part the way home, so I wasn't going to argue with that. Plus, it was nice to be noticed, even if it wasn't by the guy of my dreams. So, all in all it was a great evening with friends, music, and beer - how can you argue with that?

Generally Unhappy

So, I'm generally unhappy today. First, I woke up suffering from allergy symptoms (started Saturday) and I didn't sleep all that well as a result. Second, I had to go to my crappy job that I'm HATING these days. And third, I found out I had to give up a board seat I LOVE because it will cause a conflict of interest at my company.
Now, the reason I hate my job is because my sr. vp treats me, and everyone else, as if we are stupid. For instance, I was given a task to do on Thursday that was to be performed on Monday (today), and before I could even blink, my sr. vp had already taken it upon himself to do it. Now, I don't recall our pres. asking HIM to do it, but when he reported to our pres., he didn't stop him or say, "now wait, that's not your task!" I hate being undermined - makes me feel so insufficient and micromanaged, which I don't deserve. I do my job, and I do it well, if someone would give me half the chance to do it.
The board seat is just icing on the cake. I don't get to do much of my JOB at work, so I enjoy this board because I actually get to do the things I love - HR, recruiting, event planning. Now, I'm forced to give it all up for a job that doesn't even support me in my efforts so THEY don't look bad. I was told by my pres. that I gave them two years and that was a good effort and it looks good on my resume. I'm sorry, I don't do board work to pad my resume - I do it because I truly believe in the non-profit's mission. I was on two committees, co-chairing one, and I am the board secretary - tell me how I just walk away from that for the 'good of my company?' I don't get why I have to step down considering I'm not even an officer. My pres. told me it's because I'm a 'key employee' - wow, my pay really doesn't reflect that. Especially since I had to take a second job at Bed, Bath & Beyond because my current pay isn't enough.
And I'm such a happy person, usually, so this is why I'm hating life today. I can't feel happy. I'd love to meet a guy, but even dating vehicles such as match.com come with a fee, and with the 2nd job, I'll have even LESS time to meet people. And I'm not yet at the size I want to be and it's frustrating (even though I lost another pound this week), and even if I was at my goal size, I'd have no money to buy new clothes!
Okay, I will stop whining now. I know I'm lucky to have a job at all, I'm lucky that I got a 2nd job that will work with my schedule and give me a cool discount on things I actually need, I'm lucky that I am getting healthier and stronger with my weight loss, I'm lucky I have great friends and family, I'm lucky to have a car and a place to live, and I'm so lucky I have the intelligence to know I HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER CAREER PATH! :-)

Missing Things

I really miss a lot of things I've lost over the years. And not tangible things (though right now I'm so mad I lost my new fav pair of sunglasses at the Roots concert Monday night), but things that meant a lot to me. Or maybe didn't even mean a lot to me, just affected me. Let me list a few and maybe I'll make sense . . .

I miss gardening in the south - summer really brings all those memories back to me. Going to farmers' markets and seeing the fresh produce just really reminds me of how wonderful it was to be able to go into the backyard and gather fresh fruits and vegetables for dinner. And my favorite relative, my Uncle Grady (who was more like a grandfather-figure to me) was the best person in the world for gardening. He LOVED it. He'd sit with me while I shelled peas or shucked corn or washed the numerous veggies we had - he especially liked to pick the peaches off our peach tree and just take out his pocket knife, peel one, and eat it in the yard. He would always take me to pick blackberries down by his grandmother's homestead - just us and the dogs. And he had the BEST blueberry bushes - I 'put up' countless jars of blueberry jelly because of him! I know I might not have had the best childhood in some ways, but having a great affection for the outdoors and respect of nature is ingrained in me forever because of my life on a little farm in southeastern Georgia.

I miss my ex-boyfriend, C. He is an asshole, don't let me missing him fool you. But, the longer I go without talking to him, the more I can only recall the somewhat good stuff and I just miss it! I want to have someone in my life that can't wait to talk to me, who can't wait to see me. C always made me laugh, and that is so important to me. When things went well, they were pretty good for us. And I adored his kids so much - I miss hearing about their busy lives. I just wish things hadn't ended so badly, where he can't talk to me at all - we tried to be friends, but he said it was selfish of me to hang on to him. Now he won't talk to me at all, though he did call me on his birthday to thank me for an e-card I sent him. I didn't talk to him though - I just can't put myself back in the situation of being hurt. I want him to be happy but I also miss the good stuff. Maybe I'm just really missing the fact he loved me - even though it wasn't a healthy kind of love, it resembled love just the same. I wonder if I'll ever find someone who can just be happy with me the way I am, who will want to be with me no matter what.

I seriously miss my dad. I know I've written about this before, but it just haunts me so much. I wish I knew him more, and I'm so blessed I have my family to somehow remind me of who he was - I can see him in my brothers and in my nieces and nephews.

I miss friends who I've lost touch with or have somehow forgotten over the years. I still think about them, just life and distance have separated us too much. And I especially regret that I let the loss of a recent friend really control my emotions for too long. That loss was probably inevitable, but it hurts just the same.

There's more that I miss, such as the times when I was skinnier, or when I didn't find gray hairs, or when I didn't worry so much about money (of course, that attitude put me in the situation where I now HAVE to worry about it) or when I didn't feel so old or so alone. But I'm trying to make this year, the year I turn (gasp) 35, an amazing year for myself by taking control of what I can and letting go of what I can't.

Less Therapy

So, I saw my therapist last week and she said I had made so much progress she doesn't want to see me for 6 weeks! The reason I started seeing someone was because after my nephew-in-law died, I had trouble coping with life in general. The unfairness, the tragedy, the resurrected feelings of grief from other losses - all of that tied together to practically choke me emotionally. Not to mention someone I considered to be my best friend pretty much told me that she could no longer be my friend (well, she said we needed a break, and I haven't heard from her since, so I'm making an assumption). Yet now my therapist is so proud of me for coming so far from the girl who could only cry for an hour instead of talk through things. Now, I talk about all I'm doing to "fix" myself and she just listens, adding in a little encouragement here and there. She did like my thoughts of taking karate lessons - we both think it will strengthen me mentally and physically, as well as make me feel more powerful and confident. So, I've gone from seeing her every week in the beginning to now seeing her every 6 weeks, in about 6 months' time. It's a great feeling to know I've come this far - I know that I cope with things far better now than I ever did.

Difficult Decisions

So, I recently had to make a difficult decision. Now, to you, it may seem trivial, but to me, it was kinda a big deal. I had planned to go to NYC with friends to see a weekend of concerts in early August. I was going with someone I consider one of my best friends, the girl he's seeing, and another guy-friend of mine from New Orleans. However, the friend from NO can't make it due to financial woes (trust me, I can understand that). And even though I'm upset he can't go, and I can't think of anyone else who'd go to NYC with me on short notice, I'm most upset that it's not working out where I can go. But it's best for everyone, and I realize that. I won't be spending money, my friend can be alone with his love interest and not have to worry about me, and they will definitely have a much more fantastic time. Still, I'm a spoiled brat and I'm trying not to pout about it. I am mixed up about how I feel - I'm saddened that I can't go, I'm a little mad at NO friend for waiting so long to tell me, and I wanted to re-capture the time I had last year when my friend and I went. However, I know that won't be the case this time (how do you re-create your first time in NYC?) , and again, I know it's best for everyone. So, I wish them a wonderful time, and I better get a souvenir T-shirt. :-)

Guilty and Proud Moments

I feel guilty when I forget my multi-vitamin. I feel proud of my one friend for sticking to her diet as a way to gain some control over her life again. I feel guilty because I read celebrity gossip magazines. I feel proud of my nieces and nephews for the wonderful grown-ups they are becoming. I feel guilty every time I am with my mother because I can't seem to do enough or be enough. I feel proud that I've lost 11 pounds. I feel guilty EVERY time I spend money. I feel proud of my good friend for moving on with his life. I feel guilty for wanting more when I'm so blessed as it is. I feel proud that I am independent and happy. I feel guilty because my apartment is a total mess and I'm not in a hurry to clean it. I feel proud (and sometimes amazed) that my oldest niece can even get up in the mornings considering she lost her husband less than a year ago. I feel guilty that if I weren't trying to lose weight I could eat a whole box of cookies. I feel proud that I am not going to go buy a box of cookies and do just that. I feel guilty that I don't exercise enough. I feel proud that I can walk wherever I want without getting tired or feeling afraid. I feel guilty because I don't tell my friends enough that I care about them. I feel proud that I have the friends I do.

Showing my Independence

So, Sunday was a good step for me in the right direction. I had plans to attend a concert with a friend of mine and he didn't feel well and decided not to go. Well, the concert was free, and I had already ordered the tickets, not to mention one of my favorite bands was performing, so I decided to go on my own. Now, this was a huge step for me. I'm not a big fan of crowds, and I am also not much for being all alone in a crowd. Due to my short stature, I tend to be overlooked by people and I have some weird fear of being trampled. Also, I have not been a big fan of walking anywhere alone due to a frightening experience that happened to me a few months ago. Since then, I have regained my confidence enough to walk to PNC Park and back on my own, but making it to Station Square was a new challenge. So, I headed out of my apartment around 7pm and walked to Steel Plaza, caught the T to Station Square and walked on over to the Chevy Amphitheatre. I then seemed to be the only loner in a crowd of 5,000, but I just blended in and found a spot where I could enjoy the opening act Army of Me and then the wonderful sounds of O.A.R. Prior to O.A.R. stepping on stage, I had a yummy soft pretzel and a big ol' glass of iced tea. :-) I also made it back just fine after the concert, leaving at the end of the encore so I could beat the crowds and find my way home, safely and soundly.

The All-Star Game Comes to the 'Burgh

So, you all know the All-Star game is being played this evening in the most beautiful ballpark in the nation. I feel very fortunate to live in this wonderful city of Pittsburgh and to have been able to partake of some of the activities affiliated with the event. And I know some of you naysayers are fussin' about the traffic and all the people, but I'm excited to see the city bustling and am pleased to report that this morning is the only day I've had any traffic delays (which amounted to spending 10 more minutes on the 16th Street Bridge). Saturday I went to FanFest with my 18-year-old nephew - first we walked the entire Convention Center at least twice to take it all in and then we stood in line for Phil Niekro's autograph and also to have our pictures taken in uniform for a baseball card. We also spent some time manning a booth for The ALS Association, more commonly known as "Lou Gehrig's Disease", which allowed us to get into the event for free as well as volunteer our time for a worthwhile charity. Sunday I went to a free concert in Station Square (I'll talk more about that in a later post) and last night I went to FanFest again with a very good friend of mine. I also sat at August Henry's last night for awhile with friends to watch the Homerun Derby - it was very exciting to see our city so well on display on national TV. My nephew actually got to go to the Homerun Derby - what an experience he'll be able to remember for a long time! And I think my favorite aspect of all the frenzy is the fact that kids were being kids and grown-ups were getting the chance to be kids again as well.

Do I Really Know Myself?

To continue the previous thought on what kind of friend I am, I wonder if I
really know myself at all. But really, I think I do. . .

I am loyal I am never on time I'm somewhat of a slob I will read ANYTHING I enjoy taking long walks I wish I could afford to travel more I am always struggling with money (or rather, the lack of it) I have awful-looking fingernails I spread myself too thin I will drop everything for someone if I think it will make him or her happy I am somewhat witty I don't look my age I have great eyes I don't normally like a lot of attention, but I do find I enjoy being the center of attention every once in awhile I am never bored I don't sleep well I have major trust issues I am a great date I do believe in love I don't think I'll ever get married I do hope to have a child one day I'm scared to death of getting cancer I will never grow up I almost never forget a birthday or important date I wonder what other girls have that I don't I DESPISE my current weight I don't enjoy exercising I wish I made more money (just enough to live comfortably) I do my best to express my confidence and hide my insecurities I am impatient I read celebrity gossip magazines I can be by myself and be content with just being I try too hard and don't know when to give up I wish I had a talent, such as being able to sing or dance I worry a lot and I think all the time I love to cook I am very affectionate I think I'm misunderstood a lot I like to matter and be heard I don't like a 'know-it-all' I am something of an optimist I do my best to roll with the punches I cry easily, especially if I get my feelings hurt

I'm sure there are tons of other things I could say about myself, but I'll stop. I realize I don't always do what people want me to do, but I do what I think is best. When I find that what I think is best for me to do isn't always the best thing to be done for someone else, I try to stop. But sometimes I just have to keep doing it because to stop being myself isn't being true to ME. And if people love me they will accept that I am doing the best I can. So I do think I'm a great friend WITHIN MY CAPABILITIES TO BE MYSELF. And what more can you really ask of your friends?

What Kind of Friend Am I?

I always like to think I'm a pretty good friend. I listen well, I try to offer good advice, I am tolerant and patient and kind . . . but lately I question the kind of friend I am. Do I try too hard? Do I want so badly for people to know I'm their friend that I go overboard? I do know I'm a nurturer, a care-giver, a person who wants everyone around me to be happy. I aspire to be the best kind of friend possible, if it's within my power to do so. But certain events have made me feel that I'm better at giving other people what they want instead of getting what I want. Because truthfully I'm not sure what I want at times. I mean, I know I want my friends to love me and care about me. I want them to carve out time for me to listen to what's going on with me. But are my problems really that important? Do they matter? I'm much better at helping other people, truthfully. I feel when I really open up I only end up hurt or hurting someone else. So, it's easier to keep it inside for fear I'll sound crazy or ridiculous. When I want a friend to pay attention to me for just a minute instead of being engrossed in something else, I sound jealous. When I try to let the other person vent and then just sit there and listen, I'm seen as the person who can't trust enough to share my own feelings. I don't really care what people think of me, usually, but when it comes to my friends I don't ever want them to think badly of me. Yet they tend to end up annoyed with me for various reasons. I know we all get upset with those closest to us, but am I really that bad? Is it such a horrible thing that I care SO much? That I want what is best for them and sometimes, just sometimes, I need them to let me be myself?

Family Obligations

I spent most of the afternoon in my hometown with my oldest brother talking to people at least 20 years my senior. Though I am a southern girl, I was born in southwestern Pennsylvania and went to school there until the 3rd grade. However, my three older brothers were raised here and graduated from high school in our small hometown in Beaver County. Today was part of the 4th of July and Centennial Celebration where all the high school classes gathered in the new Lincoln Park Performing Arts Center that was built on the former site of the high school. The facility is beautiful and I'm excited to know that my nephew will be teaching there. And there were SO many people there today, from every class - it was astounding to see the turnout (they actually had to stop giving tours because it was overwhelming the tour guides!). But I can't say it was how I would have preferred to spend my Sunday afternoon. I had planned to have brunch with one of my closest friends and her husband and go to the movies with another friend and THEN go to visit the reunion and cook an early dinner for my family (my oldest sister-in-law and niece were due in from their trip to Cleveland). Instead, I had to cancel plans with my friends and then escort my brother to his reunion. Not that I minded spending the day with him, but really, if I had to be introduced one more time as his "little sister" I thought I was gonna scream. (By the way, he finally realized his 34-year-old sister didn't like that introduction and he stopped). I just know this week will be filled with me traveling back and forth from Pittsburgh to Beaver County for various family functions and holiday events and I know I will be super-tired by the time next weekend rolls around. I shouldn't complain - I am so blessed to have the family that I have, but there are times the obligations just get to me because I can't seem to get them to realize that though I'm single and don't have my own family, I do have my own life and it doesn't always revolve around them. At least it's only two weeks of the year when I'm really this obligated, so I should just stop fussing about it.