Missing Things

I really miss a lot of things I've lost over the years. And not tangible things (though right now I'm so mad I lost my new fav pair of sunglasses at the Roots concert Monday night), but things that meant a lot to me. Or maybe didn't even mean a lot to me, just affected me. Let me list a few and maybe I'll make sense . . .

I miss gardening in the south - summer really brings all those memories back to me. Going to farmers' markets and seeing the fresh produce just really reminds me of how wonderful it was to be able to go into the backyard and gather fresh fruits and vegetables for dinner. And my favorite relative, my Uncle Grady (who was more like a grandfather-figure to me) was the best person in the world for gardening. He LOVED it. He'd sit with me while I shelled peas or shucked corn or washed the numerous veggies we had - he especially liked to pick the peaches off our peach tree and just take out his pocket knife, peel one, and eat it in the yard. He would always take me to pick blackberries down by his grandmother's homestead - just us and the dogs. And he had the BEST blueberry bushes - I 'put up' countless jars of blueberry jelly because of him! I know I might not have had the best childhood in some ways, but having a great affection for the outdoors and respect of nature is ingrained in me forever because of my life on a little farm in southeastern Georgia.

I miss my ex-boyfriend, C. He is an asshole, don't let me missing him fool you. But, the longer I go without talking to him, the more I can only recall the somewhat good stuff and I just miss it! I want to have someone in my life that can't wait to talk to me, who can't wait to see me. C always made me laugh, and that is so important to me. When things went well, they were pretty good for us. And I adored his kids so much - I miss hearing about their busy lives. I just wish things hadn't ended so badly, where he can't talk to me at all - we tried to be friends, but he said it was selfish of me to hang on to him. Now he won't talk to me at all, though he did call me on his birthday to thank me for an e-card I sent him. I didn't talk to him though - I just can't put myself back in the situation of being hurt. I want him to be happy but I also miss the good stuff. Maybe I'm just really missing the fact he loved me - even though it wasn't a healthy kind of love, it resembled love just the same. I wonder if I'll ever find someone who can just be happy with me the way I am, who will want to be with me no matter what.

I seriously miss my dad. I know I've written about this before, but it just haunts me so much. I wish I knew him more, and I'm so blessed I have my family to somehow remind me of who he was - I can see him in my brothers and in my nieces and nephews.

I miss friends who I've lost touch with or have somehow forgotten over the years. I still think about them, just life and distance have separated us too much. And I especially regret that I let the loss of a recent friend really control my emotions for too long. That loss was probably inevitable, but it hurts just the same.

There's more that I miss, such as the times when I was skinnier, or when I didn't find gray hairs, or when I didn't worry so much about money (of course, that attitude put me in the situation where I now HAVE to worry about it) or when I didn't feel so old or so alone. But I'm trying to make this year, the year I turn (gasp) 35, an amazing year for myself by taking control of what I can and letting go of what I can't.