Why I Distrust So Much

I have always wondered why I distrust so much, men in particular. I think it's because I have always suffered some kind of disappointment, shame or deep hurt due to the relationships I have with men. For instance, right now I am sitting at the computer on a beautiful afternoon, my favorite dog at my feet, and yet I dwell on the fact my oldest brother has not called me in a week, even though he promised to call me last Sunday evening. And it wouldn't really matter much, except I asked him to help me with something (at my mom's request). He always acts like I need so much help with my life (he calls himself my life coach) and yet when I do ask him for help, he doesn't respond. Sure, I could call him, but then I'd feel badly if I'm bothering him. I just hate asking for help because I usually don't get greeted with an abundance of assistance. I'd rather just take care of myself, even if asking for help would be faster and easier for me in the long run.

So maybe I started out this way because my father died when I was just a kid and I saw how dependent my mom was on him and knew I'd never be that way. Or maybe I'm this way because I didn't really know my brothers growing up and they weren't a huge part of my life. Or maybe it's because my step-father was so verbally and mentally abusive. Or because I'm always attracted to men that are just like him. Or it's because I was "inappropriately touched" by male family members when I was young, and then later by my college roommate's brother. Or because I tend to attract men who are already attached and I seem to make the perfect "other woman." Or it's all in my head and I'm just crazy. I just wish I could pinpoint a time or a place or an event that caused this distrust in my heart so I could make it go away. I don't want to be distrustful because I really strive for openness and honesty in every relationship I have. I might need to learn to trust myself more first, trust that I am worth so much. Because I am.