First, let me apologize ahead of time if this is such a jumbled post - I'm tired, stressed, and something is going on with my work computer where I keep getting pop-ups I can't get rid of easily. Kinda fitting for today since I am having that feeling of loss of control anyway.
So, I had a mixed-up weekend because of things I had to go through. I have premonitions sometimes (not like Phoebe's on Charmed, where she sees things, but more like this heavy weight on me that won't subside and then I get nightmares) and I don't even realize what they are until AFTER the bad thing happens. So, I had a panic attack Friday night at a very inappropriate time because I was out with B and his friends. I admit I have a hard time with social settings at times just because I'm not very sure of myself at times. I had been feeling stressed for the past few days anyway, and I guess I couldn't postpone the panic attack any longer. So, I just wanted to be left alone, but it didn't work out that way and I said things I shouldn't have said (when I'm in the middle of one I am so out of it and every little thing becomes HUGE in my mind). But, I suffer greatly after them - I can't sleep, I'm wired, I can't concentrate, I am TIRED for days, I get very thirsty and then I either get sick to my stomach or I can't eat. Lots of fun. Anyway, it was hard, and I knew there would be repercussions later.
Well, I went through Saturday and Sunday, worked at BB&B, had dinner w/ my mom, went out with friends Saturday night and went for a long walk with a friend Sunday. So, I was taking the right steps to somehow get through things. Until Sunday night. I tried talking to B, and found out he was mad at me because I embarrassed him Friday night. So, not only was it embarrassing for ME - in the middle of an attack all the LITTLE things that bug me become HUGE, and he had to be the one to suffer the blunt of it - but somehow I wronged him. So, I'm sure he won't talk to me for days, now, and I honestly hate that.
So, anyway, back to the premonition . . . two things. I find out today that a cousin of mine who I grew up with in Georgia died suddenly on Friday (probably not too much time before I had the panic attack). She and I were pretty close as kids and she is the same age as me. And it's hurting me because I feel something is wrong with me physically. I had a cancer scare when I was in my mid-20's and I'm feeling like I did then and having some symptoms, and I'm very frightened. I have always feared I'd die young like my dad did, and though I don't live in a bubble to protect myself, I do worry a lot about it. I stayed home in bed this morning because I spent all night crying, sick to my stomach and more scared than I have been in awhile. It also doesn't help I'm having nightmares, and my mother is, too, about me and people in my life. Yes, I'm taking the right steps - making an appointment with my doctor, trying to rest - but I can't overcome the fear of it all.
I hide things so well in my life - I don't like people to know all my weaknesses and shortcomings. But I have learned that the people who really love you can help you work through your demons, even if they don't understand them. I have always taken care of everyone else in my life - since I was 7 I've been this way - and my therapist tries to get me to learn to take care of myself and let others help me. And I am learning to let people in more, even if I'm afraid I'll become this weak little girl who's not taken seriously. But I know that's not true - I am strong and I am honestly made stronger by the bonds I make with the people who truly love me. I am so not perfect, and I often tire of the expectations of trying to be. I want to be accepted for my many shortcomings, but worry that people won't be able to do that. One of my biggest fears is that I will do something that people won't be able to forgive me for doing, and I really want to know the ones I love will love me NO MATTER WHAT. YES, I get crazy at times and freak out about really dumb things. YES, I have TONS of insecurities. YES, I'm weak and afraid. But above it all, I'm an amazing person with so much to give, I'm loyal, I'm strong, and I'm independent. And when I do need to lean on someone, I'm so thankful that the people who know me best are there.
I know I can get through anything - with prayer, love, compassion, and laughter.
6 comments:
I just wanted to add that though I sound crazy at times, I'm really not. I do have demons that frighten me, and I deal with them the best I can with positive thoughts, prayer, and the love of those closest to me. I never want anyone to feel sorry for me, but I do appreciate those of you who care enough to feel my angst.
Everyone feels the way you do at some point or another. Don't feel alone.
I'm so very sorry to hear about your cousin. It must hurt.
The more you let people in and open up the easier it will become. I've struggled with that as well.
As far as B goes, shame on him for being so selfish!
Now, give yourself a pat on the back for all that you've accomplished. You're stronger than you even realize.
Thanks, Margo - you have no idea what your support means to me. I'm so thankful God sent you my way.
What's even worse is Mandy, my cousin, died because she drank too much, took some type of drugs (not sure if prescription or not), passed out and then asphyxiated. My heart hurts just thinking of it.
I'm sorry to hear that. When?
it is always nice for someone that doesn't know you at all to call you selfish. I am the furthest thing from that. It is easy to read something and gain an opinion but when you experience it first hand your opinion might just change.
I'm sorry Bryan. You're right. I don't know you, but I could tell that Lori was hurt and wanted to make her feel better. I apologize. I'm sure you're not selfish, again, I'm sorry.
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